Why would a woman want Domestic Discipline?

The question of “why would a person even want domestic discipline?” has been asked many times, both by people who don’t understand domestic discipline, are against it, or who were just approached with the idea from their spouse and cannot fathom why they would ever ask for such a thing. I’ve even heard it questioned by people within the lifestyle themselves- “Why do I want this?” is seen floating around the forums, blogland, and more from time to time.

To help shed some light on these questions, our post two weeks ago was called “Why Would a Man Want Domestic Discipline?” and Clint made some great points- it provides a “means to an end”, it helps communication, and so on. Today we’re going to look at this topic from the other side of the coin. Why would a woman want something like this in her relationship? Some people may be surprised to hear that a significant majority of the time women are the ones who approach their partners with domestic discipline. But why would they do such a thing? What benefits do they see in this lifestyle? That’s what we’re about to explore.

Note: This post is written from the submissive partner perspective. It doesn’t necessarily apply to other domestic discipline dynamics such as the FLR/WLM dynamic, however, it could easily be modified to do so. 

Before we get started though, I want to make it clear that this post is just my opinion. I completely understand that domestic discipline is not a “one size fits all” type of lifestyle. So, these are just my thoughts behind why a woman would want domestic discipline. Ok, now we can get to the good stuff..

When I first heard about domestic discipline, I asked myself this very question. Why would a girl want this lifestyle? Why would she want to subject herself to rules and consequences? Many of you already know the story of how we began domestic discipline, and you know that it included both Clint and I being pretty “anti-DD” at first. I just couldn’t rap my head around the idea that a woman would ever go for something like this (especially in today’s society), much less usually be the one who asks for it.

As time went on, and we eventually started practicing the lifestyle ourselves, it became evident to me why a woman would want domestic discipline. We then became more active in the community, made a lot of friends in blogland, started the forums, and more. These avenues allowed me to get to know several other domestic discipline couples who I was surprised to hear felt the same way I did about why they want this lifestyle. It helped me to realize that I wasn’t alone in this, or crazy for wanting to keep it a part of our relationship.

So, what are these magical reasons that a woman would want domestic discipline? Here are a few..

  1. It makes women feel more loved. Seriously, I know to some of you that sounds crazy, but it does. Ask just about any woman in a domestic discipline relationship and they will likely tell you that this is one of the big reasons they like the lifestyle. It increases the connection that two people have. For me, personally, it has allowed me to look at my husband in a different light- as someone who is a leader, protective, and who cares a lot about our marriage, and our family. These things, and more, make me love him even more than before we began incorporating this into our relationship.
  2. It releases guilt. Statistically, women hold more guilt over things than men do. However, I’ve found that domestic discipline helps to release those feelings of guilt significantly faster than if we didn’t have this as a part of our marriage. As my husband put it, it creates a “means to an end” and there is closure at the end of every offense. No hanging it over each others heads, or constantly harping on it, which can make a person feel worse, or more guilty. Domestic discipline helps to alleviate those feelings all together, or drastically reduce them.
  3.  Believe it or not, most women want accountability. This is often a big driving force in what leads a woman to ask her partner to try domestic discipline. Being held accountable has several benefits, such as:
    1. It helps to relieve stress.
    2. It helps with not feeling as guilty (as mentioned above).
    3. It provides structure.
    4. It makes life, and the relationship, less chaotic.
  4. Women tend to like when their partner takes charge. Not all women, of course. But, within the domestic discipline lifestyle this seems to be a common denominator. The feeling of having your partner lead, instead of you, is often a stress reliever for a lot of women. Some even consider this to be a turn on in their relationship. For me, personally, it’s not only less stressful when my husband takes charge of situations because it puts less pressure on me, but it also helps to bring us closer together.
  5. It creates a happier home. Simple enough. Less arguments, less tension, less fighting, less conflict = a happier home environment, and a happier relationship.

These are just a few of the reasons why some women want domestic discipline in their relationship. Other reasons can include that they believe in a traditional/old fashioned marriage principles, they want the emotional connection that domestic discipline can bring, and more.

If you’re considering domestic discipline in your relationship, or if you’re a man and your partner recently approached you with domestic discipline, I hope that this helps you to understand a little more about the reasons behind why one would choose to practice this lifestyle.

24 thoughts on “Why would a woman want Domestic Discipline?

  1. I agree with all of this, and would add that the greater intimacy that comes from practicing DD may also lead to a more fulfilling sex life…and that is a huge bonus😊😊😊

  2. What if there is inconsistency?
    My BF and I are committed and committed,to this lifestyle but we live separately and it’s difficult to always hold trust and accountability when there is 2 households…
    How can we connect deeper?

  3. D
    I would recommend, you keep a detailed and very honest diary. When you are apart. I did that when HH, had to work away.
    I hope, this was helpful.

  4. I agree with this article.

    This weekend has shown me again how lucky I am to have a HoH who fulfils his role and ensures that I do the same. On Saturday I was being stupid about doing the ironing whilst he was fixing the shed. He wasted no time in giving me a lecture to remind me of my chores, sending me for my hairbrush, lifting my dress and lowering my knickers and applying eight hard strokes to my behind and legs before lecturing me again and sending me to the corner for 20 minutes to stop sobbing and reflect on my stupidity. After this I was able to get on with my work and do my chores over the whole weekend.

    Yesterday we were going to visit family and he knows I can get too talkative if I don’t concentrate. He talked to me after Church and gave me maintenance spanking before we set-off to his sister’s house. I had a great time and he was proud of my behaviour.

    I feel lucky to be supported and helped to improve in my role as a wife as well as at work and at Church.

    Best wishes,


    1. How did you get your husband ‘on board’ with Domestic Discipline? Yesterday I posted a bit of my “story” (it’s still waiting to be ok’d and posted), but I mentioned one issue with my husband: when he is too angry, DD goes out the window, and hurtful and angry words replace it. I wish that there was a way to ‘trigger’ something in him, something that I could say in order to re-direct his words into thoughts, and how to handle a situation using DD instead. Any ideas? You are very fortunate to have a man to take charge of the situation, initiate punishment and follow through. My husband has never spanked me hard…does it hurt with a hairbrush, and was it on your bare skin? Curious…I also said in my post that I was never spanked as a child, so I don’t know whether I just have a ‘tough’ butt, or if my husband just is hesitant and afraid to ‘hurt’ me. He doesn’t realize that the words linger and hurt way worse than even a spanking that hurts.

  5. I have always been the HOH in all my previous relationships, my previous marriage of 13 years, and am now 45 and have been married for almost 3 years to a “new” Christian man (although 3 years older than me). I was attracted to him immediately, and realized that he was more “manly” than any other man I have known. Not saying that they were ‘pansies’, wimps, etc.., but he carries himself with an authority that I immediately respected. For many years, I have wrestled with Ephesians 5 and a woman’s submissiveness. I noticed that God was changing my mind, heart and then, my behavior and desires. That main desire? Domestic Discipline…

    My husband was spanked on a fairly regular basis by his father when he was young. I was never spanked as a child. So, I do not really equate spanking with my own childhood. However, one night my husband got really, really mad at me (that is one problem: he has very bad temper/anger issues from his previous wife). Anyways, long story short, I walked down the road very late at night (we live in the woods off of a dirt road), went down to the pond, and floated out in the boat we had tied off. In my mind I was simply getting away to think, cry and pray. However, that was NOT how he perceived it. I came back in our bedroom 1-2 hours later very quietly, thinking that he was asleep, got into bed with my back to him, and a few seconds late, to my utter surprise, received 2 VERY hard swats that I had never felt before. Afterwards, he simply said, “Don’t ever, ever leave this house like that again. That was very dangerous and stupid (paraphrased).” Suddenly, my fear of his leaving me, and all of the pain from his earlier angry words disappeared and left me feeling loved.

    So, I found your book on Amazon, read it, found your website, and am now very, very convinced on these facts, personally, and could list more:
    1. I would rather have a sore butt for a week than the pain from angry words that scare me.
    2. It makes me respect him even more; I was always the decision-maker and realize now that I never really understood Biblical respect and submissiveness.
    3. Face it; I was attracted to his “rugged masculinity,” and when he handles situations cooly and then spanks me a few times? Ouch then, but, a HUGE turn on as a whole.

    That leads me to the problem: he really isn’t on board. He will give me 3 strikes, and then I get three swats (bare, but my sweet husband doesn’t want to hurt me, so it doesn’t hurt much), but that is more for common things that don’t get him very angry. When he gets angry, he has it down perfect that he needs to be alone to cool down, but then, he just “gets over it.” And those are the times that I need DD the most: when he is so angry, I just wish that he would cool down as he usually does, then punish me/lecture me, instead of using hurtful words.

    Anyways, that’s my story as a whole, and I just keep praying that the Lord will change his heart and desires as He did mine. Until then? I just keep submitting and trying to please him in every little way that I can. Speaking of, I am wasting the time I should be using to go to the grocery store and finishing laundry and vacuuming. By the way, it was great that neither of us had the ‘baggage’ of children – young or older. That also leaves the perfect situation to practice DD, as well. Not very exciting, but, there’s my story and situation…

    1. Wow, great comment, Tatyana and welcome to the site! Your relationship story is interesting, too – that doesn’t happen so often! (we actually have some people living the FLR dynamic in our forum, by the way.)

      1. Is the FLR the Female Led Relationship? That’s definitely not us. I am one of those women who, at the age of 45, finally understands and wants the domestic discipline lifestyle. I HATE being the one to lead everything and all the decisions, which in many ways I still do, but I have never desired domestic discipline. I, too, heard of it from some Reformed Christian couples years ago, but blew it off like you and Chelsea. 17 years later, however, I completely understand and want it in my relationship, but he is 50/50 on it. He doesn’t understand that his words hurt so much more than his hand.

        Yesterday morning, I called him on the phone and brought up something at the wrong time (should’ve thought more), and he made a comment about my timing earning me a spanking; I didn’t think anything would come of it by 6:00 that evening. To my surprise, when he got home and I went outside to greet him, he made a comment about all the ‘stuff’ in my back jeans’ pockets. I looked at him, asked if I was still in trouble, and took the stuff out of my pockets. As I was standing there, I saw him swing, winced, and he laughed at my anticipating his hand. He then landed a swat that hurt his hand way more than my butt. He then hugged me and all was well; actually, he asked what I did to earn that as he didn’t remember, but I was impressed that he followed through with anything. I did say that under my jeans would hurt his hand much less and my rear much more. He said, “If I spanked your bare butt like I just did that would really hurt.”

        As I said in my ‘story’, I was never spanked as a child, so I don’t even know if it’s supposed to hurt that much. One time, he did read your article about warm-up spankings and over the knee spankings, and actually spanked me over his knee with no underwear about 10 times, each harder than the last. But, although it did sting, is it just me? It wasn’t anything that left me sore to sit down. But yesterday, I just had to say something-he obviously hurt his hand much more than my rear. However, it’s just not consistent, and I have been piling and piling up small things that I know are irritating him (not on purpose, at all), but things like maintenance spankings and such, he sees as ridiculous and irrelevant. I’m definitely the one that wants this in our relationship permanently and stable.

        HOW DO I GET HIM TO BE CONSISTENT???? I know that there is no magic answer; just venting. And thanks for the comment, but I wanted to be clear that I am NOT the HOH, nor have ever officially been. Does it not hurt because I have a “tough butt?” That is what he says, but I think that he is just being sweet, thinking that he doesn’t want to hurt me.

        1. I’ve found that my husband has had a very hard time with being consistent lately. I’m very sad and out-of-sorts about it. I really wish there was an accountability page/group that HoH’s could belong to for support and encouragement. I also would LOVE to attend a DD retreat, because I think that would be SUPER beneficial for us!

          1. Hi Tina,

            thanks for commenting! We Won’t be offering them anymore, sorry. Or, at least, won’t organise one. Maybe you register at the forum and propose the idea? I’d love to see another retreat. We cannot organise them anymore.

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