Sometimes, a woman in a Domestic Discipline relationship may find herself in a situation where her HOH has disciplined her for something that she didn’t actually do. Essentially, she was wrongly disciplined. She may want to know what should happen in this circumstance. How should she react or behave? What should she say to her man, her HOH (Head of Household)? What should he have to do to make up for it? In this article, we will explore some of the issues surrounding a discipline that was not really deserved.
What kinds of wrongful or unjust disciplines exist?
Firstly, what kinds of wrongful or unjust disciplines exist? How may a woman be wrongfully punished? The simplest example is where she is disciplined even though she did not misbehave in any way at all. She is disciplined for doing something that she absolutely did not do, or for not doing something that she absolutely did do. These are fairly clear cut cases of unjust disciplines. Another form of wrongful discipline might be if she is punished for misbehavior that was actually committed by someone else – for example, her sister or a friend may be responsible for smashing up the family car, not the woman herself. The third form of wrongful discipline is when the woman is spanked for genuine misbehavior, but when the misbehavior was far milder than her HOH believed, with the result that the woman receives a spanking that is much harsher than she really deserved. For example, the HOH might believe that his wife overspent their budget by $1000, when in fact she only overspent it by $100. Or by $10 when he believed it to be $100.
Another kind of injustice exists when a woman is disciplined more severely than necessary. Here, she knows and admits that she has done something wrong and deserves to be disciplined, but the discipline seems harsher than the actual offence deserved. Of course, this issue is often a problem of perception on the woman’s part. Any discipline can seem too harsh when one is on the receiving end of the paddle or the belt. Ultimately, part of the deal of Domestic Discipline is that the HOH gets to decide what is necessary to correct a problem, not the woman. And later on, some spankings that seemed “unnecessarily harsh” at the time prove to have been just right, with the benefit of hindsight. Sometimes a harsher discipline may end up solving other attitude problems that the woman was not aware of at the time of her spanking, but were quite obvious to the HOH.
There are obviously a number of issues surrounding any wrongful discipline. A woman’s sense of injustice can be very strong if she is disciplined for something that she feels that she did not do. But there are a number of important things to keep in mind. The most important of all these is very simple: no one ever died from a bottom spanking. Domestic Discipline is not about causing serious damage to a woman’s body. It is about applying limited corporal punishment to a very safe and very well protected part of her body – her buttocks. As long as the HOH uses his hand or an implement with rounded edges like a paddle or the end of his belt (not the buckle end!), the worst thing that can happen to her bottom is some bruising which will make sitting rather uncomfortable for a few days. But Domestic Discipline does not involve dangerous things like whips and chains, things that can cut the skin or choke off air or blood circulation. It is just a simple bottom spanking to correct misbehavior and improve a woman’s attitude. So although an unjust discipline can be physically painful and emotionally outraging (due to its injustice), it is not so dangerous or harmful that it is a sign of the end of the world, or the end of a marriage. It is unjust but not deadly nor permanently damaging.
Basic principles in Spanking
The most basic principle that applies to an unjust spanking is that a woman’s submission to her HOH and her submission to his discipline are both more important than the justness of that discipline. This may sound strange, but it is true, because it is based on very sound facts and reasoning. No one is suggesting that a woman should like being disciplined unjustly, or that the HOH should not take care to spank his woman only when she deserves it. But it is true that the core principle of Domestic Discipline is that the woman should submit to loving guidance and correction from her HOH. Part of this is her ability to submit to a spanking from him without arguing or questioning his decision. If she debates every single decision he makes, they are no longer practicing Domestic Discipline – they are living in a standard, modern marriage which is filled with bickering and argumentation and which will probably end in divorce.
So her ability to submit to his decision is ultimately more important than whether he is actually right or not. Many women who successfully convince their HOH not to spank them report that they usually regret their own success (in convincing him not to spank her) very deeply. Even though they have won a minor battle about not being spanked, they have lost the war. What they really wanted was for their HOH to spank them regardless of what objections his woman raised to being spanked, and regardless of what arguments she made. They wanted to feel his dominance and his protective yet corrective power over themselves. So if a woman wants her man to discipline her regardless of her protestations, she can hardly complain if he spanks her unjustly once or twice, even though she told him that she was innocent. She has to accept it as part of the Domestic Discipline package. If she wants to feel his dominant power protecting and guiding her, she is going to have to accept the risk that occasionally, she may be spanked for something that she did not do.
In many cases, it is the woman who has asked for the Domestic Discipline lifestyle choice. Often she may have some difficulty convincing her man that it is both reasonable and viable. Once she has done all the work of successfully convincing him to take up a more masculine role in their relationship and convincing him to discipline her when he feels it is necessary, it would not make sense for her to try to undermine that Domestic Discipline arrangement by trying to tell him how to do his job as HOH. If she wants him to be in control, she has to step back and allow him to actually be in control, even if occasionally he makes a mistake. The occasional mistake will be less harmful to their relationship than her constantly questioning his disciplinary decisions, which will make him feel unsure of himself and wonder why he let himself get conned into this whole Domestic Discipline thing in the first place. If she wants her husband to lead, she must let him lead, not tell him constantly how to do his job as the leader.
The Head of Household’s role
There can only be one HOH in a Domestic Discipline relationship, not two. If the woman is so seriously dissatisfied with her HOH’s decisions, she should maybe consider putting a temporary or permanent stop to the whole Domestic Discipline agreement. If she wants Domestic Discipline, she cannot also be an HOH herself. She is going to have to accept the risk of an occasionally unjust spanking, for the sake of the main agreement and for the sake of their relationship. She cannot tell him how to spank, when to spank and what to spank for. She can certainly discuss and negotiate these things with him, at a time of the day or week which is far removed from any discipline session, but she cannot dictate what he can and cannot do when he has decided that she needs to be disciplined. In the world of BDSM, when the woman tells her man what to do and how to do it, this is called, “topping from the bottom.” In the world of Domestic Discipline, it is simply called a contradiction, because there can be only one HOH.
Sometimes the truth of the matter may come to light later on. The HOH may discover that he was in fact wrong to spank his woman because she had not actually misbehaved the way he thought she did. If this occurs, he should be man enough to apologize to her and admit his mistake. The woman should be woman enough not to rub his nose in it too vindictively. A bit of kidding around is fine, but she should be moderate in her approach. It is a good thing if the HOH does something nice for his woman to make up for his mistake. He may buy her flowers, or take her out to dinner, or give her a gift, etc. An honest and genuine apology from the man and some kind of loving gift should be enough to make up for his mistake. It is not healthy to allow the woman a “get out of jail free” card for her next offence. The next time she needs to be disciplined, she should be spanked with the normal amount of intensity. Just because she was mistakenly spanked once does not mean that she should escape a spanking for her next case of misbehavior. The idea of a “get out of jail free” card only undermines their Domestic Discipline agreement and it also undermines their relationship.
What does a woman get from a wrongful punishment?
What does she experience when she is unjustly disciplined? There are a number of feelings that she may experience. Firstly, she will get a reasonably strong sense of injustness and unfairness about the whole thing. She should remember to ask herself, “What is so ‘fair’ about Domestic Discipline anyway?” Domestic Discipline is not exactly the model of fairness, at least not in the conventional sense. Only one person gets spanked, and it is never the HOH! When a woman is disciplined, she does have a right to demand fairness, but this right does not supersede her responsibility to submit to the decision of her HOH about whether she is to be disciplined or not. Although her strong sense of unfairness cannot be denied, because it is based on fact, she should remember that fairness is not what Domestic Discipline is all about. It is all about love and reconnection, not about fairness. When all is said and done, love is so much more valuable and important than fairness.
Secondly, during a wrongful discipline, a woman may feel the usual things that she feels during any spanking – a sense of her HOH’s dominance and power over her, a sense of her own submission to him, and a sense that her HOH cares enough to discipline her. These are all good things that she is feeling. She can minimize her distress at the unfairness of the spanking by concentrating on these more positive sensations and emotions. In some cases, these may even be sufficient to override her sense of unfairness. And even if they do not override her sense of unfairness, she will still experience a strong personal benefit from feeling these sensations both during and after her spanking.
In a sense, a wrongful or unjust discipline is not so different from a Maintenance Discipline. If you have read the Maintenance Discipline article, you will know that a Maintenance Discipline is given on a regular basis to reinforce the woman’s commitment to positive and loving behavior, and to remind her of her commitment to her Domestic Discipline lifestyle and to her HOH. Essentially, a Maintenance Discipline is given to a woman even though she has done nothing wrong. She is spanked quite soundly, even though she has done nothing specific to earn her spanking. Yet many women report that they experience great benefit from receiving a regular Maintenance Discipline spanking, usually once a week. They feel much more grounded, more loved, more secure and generally much happier in their relationship and in themselves. All of this, in spite of the fact that they have done nothing wrong and that the spanking was entirely “undeserved.” From this we can learn that it is not so much whether the spanking is deserved or not that counts. An unmerited spanking can still have highly beneficial effects for the woman. The most common form of an unmerited spanking is a regular Maintenance Discipline spanking. But an unjust or unfair spanking is also an unmerited spanking. Thus we see that even an unfair spanking can have profound benefits for the woman, because she can gain the same things from it as she would gain from a Maintenance Discipline spanking. So she should not be too quick to get all righteous about having been spanked unfairly, because she may have benefited in many ways that are not immediately obvious to her.
Some people might be concerned that if a woman is disciplined unfairly, she is more likely to misbehave later because she feels that she will be disciplined regardless of whether she behaves well or badly. In effect, if she is treated like a criminal, then she might as well behave like one. Yes, this is a risk, but it is not a major one. The reason it is not a major one is because the flows of dominant masculine energy and submissive feminine energy that are established during a Domestic Discipline spanking tend to increase the likelihood that she will be more obedient in the future and more likely to behave well, rather than the opposite. Her direct and powerful experience of submission during her spanking will encourage a more loving and submissive frame of mind afterwards, even if she is consciously aware that she may have been disciplined unfairly. This will occur as long as the discipline was a thorough one. If a woman is disciplined unfairly and inadequately, the HOH will then have the dual problem of a woman who resents her unfair spanking and who also has lost respect for her HOH because he didn’t have the moral strength to discipline her enough. This is the worst case scenario, but it certainly does occur. A discipline should always be thorough, whatever it is for. Even if there is a slight doubt in the mind of the HOH as to whether he is disciplining his woman justly or not, he should still spank her as thoroughly as possible, otherwise he will have a double problem on his hands afterwards.
What is the woman to do afterwards?
When and how should she bring up the fact that she was unfairly spanked? The first point is that she should not attempt to discuss the matter until a reasonable amount of time has elapsed after her spanking. This should be at least a few hours, if not a few days. By waiting, the woman will not only give her HOH time to forget about it, she will also give herself time to calm down and feel less emotional about the unjustness of her spanking. She should choose a time to discuss it when neither one of the couple is in a hurry or under stress. She should also make sure that she has some new evidence to back up her assertion, otherwise it will look to her HOH like she is just being argumentative for the sake of it. Then, she should discuss the matter in a respectful way, not in an aggressive way or with an outraged tone. By speaking respectfully and lovingly to her HOH, she increases the chances of being listened to respectfully and lovingly by him. And she should always remember that she may still have gained some benefit from an unjust spanking, just the same way that she gains benefit from an ‘undeserved’ Maintenance Discipline. An unjust spanking is not the end of the world, nor is it the end of a Domestic Discipline lifestyle, nor is it the end of a relationship. It is an unpleasant but relatively minor hiccup in a lifestyle whose purpose is to bring more love into a marriage. It is a minor hiccup that even has some real and positive benefits for the woman, because she is reminded of her responsibility to behave in a loving and respectful way to herself, to her HOH and to other people.