Being a submissive wife (or partner) is a complex topic, and something that isn’t easily defined by submissive or non-submissive. There are more than 5 different types of submission/submissive wives, and depending on what type you are can determine how you handle situations, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and it can help explain why you think and do the things you do.
So, what are the types of submission? There are 2 main types:
- Physical submission. These are, you guessed it, the physical acts that you do. For example, when your HOH says, “hey honey, can you get me a drink?” and your answer is, “sure, babe” and you hand him a drink, that’s physically submitting to what he is asking of you. This is just an example, but hopefully you get the idea. Another example of physical submission comes in the form of punishments – when your HOH asks you to take down your pants before a spanking, and you comply, that’s an act of physical submission. The easy way to remember this is that physical submission equates to verbs. Anything you physically do, that is asked of you, is considered physically submitting to your HOH.
- Emotional submission. Emotionally submitting to your HOH can be one of the hardest things that a submissive partner does, because it involves things like trusting him in the decisions that he makes, and backing/supporting those decisions. This is where things such as following his lead, allowing him to have the control and power within the relationship, and leaving the final decisions in his hands falls into place. Submitting to your HOH emotionally can really test your core relationship foundations, such as honesty, trust and respect, but it is (in my opinion) the most important component of submission. If you don’t have the desire to emotionally submit to your HOH, being a submissive wife will be extremely difficult.
Other types of submission outside of domestic discipline include sexual submission, “slave” submission, etc. but those are typically reserved for those who practice and follow BDSM and other alternate lifestyles.
Before we determine what type of submissive you are, it’s important to go over the types of submissive wives. Those are as follows:
- The Naturally Submissive. Naturally submissive wives are, in a sense, born with submissive qualities although they likely do not come out until later in life. These are the submissive wives that seem to have it all together and things like following their HOH’s lead isn’t something they struggle with on a regular basis. These are also the type of submissive wives who exhibit qualities that are really caring, nurturing, compassionate, and understanding. For naturally submissive wives, showing submission 24/7 (whether at home, in public, etc.) is normal and easy for them, and something they rarely bat an eye at. However, naturally submissive wives often struggle with things like disappointing their HOH and carry a higher burden of guilt than those in other submissive categories. Because of this, consistency from the HOH when it comes to punishments becomes crucial.
- The Psychological Submissive. These are the type of submissive wives that have a strong desire to be submissive, but have to work harder at it as it does not come naturally. Because of this, submitting to their HOH emotionally is a lot more difficult than physical submission, although they can, occasionally, struggle with both. Psychological submissives are very good at analyzing their behaviors to figure out where to improve upon their submission, although they aren’t always great at executing their plans without the help of their HOH. Their desire to submit is there, but they need a little more help at achieving true submission due to their occasional need to still control, or have some power, in decisions. Most submissive wives, in my opinion, will fall into this category.
- The Ex-Controller. Every once in awhile you’ll hear submissive wives (or those working towards becoming submissive wives) explain how they used to be in positions of leadership and power, typically within their workplace and are now working towards (or have already mastered) letting go of that control at home. There’s no doubt that giving up control is one of the hardest things a submissive partner has to overcome, and the ex-controllers seem to have a more difficult time with this than most. However, ex-controllers are really good at compromise, typically moreso than the other types of submissive wives, because they have a skillset in negotiating and “getting their way” when it comes to decisions. These are also the types of submissive wives who held a lot of control in their relationship, not just their workplace, prior to beginning domestic discipline. They need to work harder at both physically and emotionally submitting to their HOH, but their desire to do so is definitely there.
- The Controlling Submissive. These are the type of submissive wives who are still wanting to hold the control in their relationship, whether they’re ready to admit it or not. The desire to submit to their HOH’s is there, however they have more difficulty achieving it because there are constantly things that they may view as road blocks in their way. For example, if their HOH makes a decision that they don’t agree with, accepting that decision is further down on their list of things they’re likely to handle, and trying to overrule or come up with a list of better solutions is more near the top. When it comes to domestic discipline, they want to hold a lot of control over their rules and punishments, often suggesting that their HOH should handle things this way rather than that way, or suggesting different punishments, rules, and rewards that they think would work well. Their HOH likely feels that he doesn’t have much of the control in their relationship, although it appears outwardly that they do. In these type of relationships, the decisions that the HOH makes is usually so heavily influenced by the submissive partners wants, needs, and opinions that it ends up, truly, being her decision in the end.
- The DD Submissive. This is the type of submissive wife that has a strong desire to have a domestic discipline relationship in which they are the submissive partner, but outside of domestic discipline punishment situations their desire to be a submissive partner weakens. They are very strong, or have a desire to be very strong, physically submissive partners, and are great at complying with punishments, and requests of the HOH. However, their emotionally submissive desire is significantly weaker, or non-existent. These are the type of submissive wives who declare that they want equality within their relationship, all decisions to be made equal, etc. But, when it comes to punishments, they’re happy to submit and are often good at doing so.
You may have read the above descriptions and thought “I fit into more than one of those” and that’s completely normal. It’s usually caused by the submissive partners desire to be one type of submissive, but in actuality they are exhibiting the behaviors of a different type. It can also be that you are transitioning between types of submissive partners (example: you’re currently a “controlling submissive” but are working towards becoming a “psychologically submissive” partner). That’s normal too. Don’t feel like you have to be confined into one type of submissive, or another.
It’s also important to point out that everyone defines submission differently. So, while these are my “types of submission” that I typically classify submissive partners into, others may have a completely different view of submission and the types of submissive partners they see and that’s okay too.
Exercises for this week:
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What type of submissive partner am I currently?
- What type of submissive partner do I desire to be?
Ideas to try:
Create your own type of submission by combining traits from the above 5 types of submissive partners.
If you’re unhappy with the type of submissive partner you are, choose one of the 5 types (or, create your own!) and attempt to fully live as that type of submissive partner for 7 days. Then, reflect on what went well, and what didn’t.
Separately from your answers, ask your HOH what type of submissive partner they would identify you as, and what type of submissive partner they would like. Or, ask them to create their own as well.
Similar to how there are different types of submissive partners, there are also different types of HOH’s. We’ll go over that next week.
Have a wonderful time, everyone.