The submissive partner’s perspective: “What if the HoH breaks a rule?”

I wanted to briefly (well, hopefully I’ll be able to keep it brief) talk to everyone about one of the most common domestic discipline questions I think I’ve ever heard- “What if the HoH breaks a rule? Can I punish them too? It’s not fair.” (or some sort of variation of that).

To be perfectly honest, I don’t have a genius answer to that question, even though I’ve been asked it many, many, many times. I really think everyone has different views on how they practice domestic discipline in their relationships and this is just one of those topics that goes along with that. 

I know there’s a concept out there called the Spencer Discipline Plan that is structured where the HoH and submissive partner both hold each other accountable. That’s not how my husband and I decided our marriage would work, but the bottom line is that if a couple wanted to structure their relationship that way, they could. 

The only way I can really answer this question is with my personal views on domestic discipline and my views on the Spencer Spanking Plan because, like I said, it’s really a matter of opinion and what you find works best for you and your relationship when it comes to domestic discipline. Everyone is going to practice differently, and have different beliefs. Below are mine.

Personally, I think domestic discipline works the best when one partner is the “head of the household” and the other partner isn’t.

The reason for this is because if you’re both “in charge” it messes up what I believe the domestic discipline dynamic to be, and, in turn, can create a power struggle of sorts. I also think it would lead to one partner punishing the other partner out of spite. What I mean by that is say you both decide to incorporate the Spencer Plan method of domestic discipline into your relationship. You break a rule, and your partner punishes you. You get upset because you feel like they “spanked too hard” or “put you in the corner too long”..something like that. So, you begin to look for reasons to punish them back. Feeling angry and resenting your partner would commonly occur and I think acting on that resentment is something a lot of people would do. In turn, I feel it would create a problem and a power struggle.

So, because of what I just listed above, I’m obviously against the Spencer Plan method of domestic discipline. However, it IS out there and it’s another domestic discipline avenue that couples can explore and see if it works for them. Domestic discipline doesn’t HAVE to be one person as the head of the household and the other not, but I find it works best that way and that’s how we’ve chosen to incorporate it into our marriage. I don’t find it “unfair” (as it’s often phrased) that I can’t (or choose not to) punish my husband because I trust my husband that the decisions he makes (whether in day to day life, about the rules, my punishments, all of that) are in the best interest of our family, and I trust that my husband would follow those rules himself as well. He isn’t perfect, but he’s an AMAZING person and when he does make a mistake, I’ve chosen to leave it up to him to self-correct because, so far, he hasn’t shown me that that’s something he’s incapable of doing. 

Hopefully this helped clear up the ever so famous, “Well what if the HoH does something wrong?” question that, before we started practicing domestic discipline, is a question I had as well. It’s all about choosing what works best for you, your partner and your relationship.

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