Several years ago I had somewhat of a revelation about submission, and it came to me during a 5 day long road trip across the country with my husband. We weren’t beginners to domestic discipline, but I’d say I was definitely somewhat of a beginner to the whole concept of being a submissive wife (yeah, it took me awhile to figure this whole thing out). Up until that point I had always viewed submission as very black and white: “obey” (gosh, I hate that word..) your husband, follow his lead, and submit to his authority. Boom. Done.
But, in the car, crossing through the open fields of Wyoming (boring drive, by the way) we were having a conversation about a recent rule I had broken. Although I fully agree that the conversation was one that we needed to have, but I just wasn’t there. I mean, physically I was there of course, but mentally, I had checked out. There was too much on my mind, too many things I’d rather be discussing, and too many opinions I had about the rule that I just didn’t care. Submission, at that point, wasn’t in my vocabulary.
It was in that moment (or, shortly thereafter) that I realized something about submission. Submission can be turned on and off. Unlike domestic discipline, which is a lifestyle you live 24/7, submission is a little bit different. I know some might disagree with me, but just hear me out.
In submission, there are many different mindsets, and these can change from month to month, week to week, day to day, even multiple times per day. Since submission starts in your head, your thoughts, feelings and emotions play a huge role in your submissive mindset. Having a rough day, or overly stressed? You’re less likely to be in the same submissive mindset as you would be after a punishment, for example.
Submission may never truly go away, but it definitely can be switched off in a matter of minutes (for some) or days (for others). Earlier I posted an article on Mindsets After a Spanking. While this doesn’t directly replicate submissive mindsets, a lot of the thoughts and feelings are the same. If you haven’t read the post I highly recommend it as I think it relates to several of the mindsets that you might already be feeling.
So, how do you stay in a submissive mindset and what do you do if it falls off track? Here’s my advice:
I’ve found that it’s easier to stay in the submissive mindset when your HOH stays in a dominant mindset. I hate to shift the responsibilities over to the HOH on this one, but it’s true – it really does make it easier. Those who have been practicing domestic discipline for awhile likely know what I’m talking about. When your HOH is more consistent, or just all around dominant, it is easier to be submissive. When consistency from the HOH starts to become unhinged, it’s common for submissive partners to go into, “well, then I’m going to have to take over” mode and with that submission begins to slip. If the inconsistency goes on for too long it can be very difficult to get back into the regular submissive mindset. This is just one of many reasons why we recommend HOH’s remain consistent at all times (although we understand that is easier said than done).
Another way I’ve found to stay in the submissive mindset is to perform some sort of daily ritual. That’s another word I really don’t like, but it fits best for what I’m referring to. The ritual can be anything, but what I’ve found helpful is to pick a phrase that I recite in my head (usually in the morning) that just helps get my day started in the right direction. I also use it when things get tense, and stressful, and overwhelming and I can feel myself starting to get an attitude. Just reciting, or remembering, that phrase in my head really helps to refocus me. Another option similar to this is to have your HOH think of a phrase, or a “code word” or a motion that he can use when he feels your submission is starting to slip, and hopefully that will cause you to reassess and get back on track without further action needed.
And, finally, the other thing I’ve observed is that submission tends to be the biggest struggle for submissive partners during times of stress. This is a topic we talked about last week, so I won’t go into too much detail here, but I wanted to touch on it because it does effect your mindset. Getting a handle on your stress in one way or another will really help your submissive mindset.
If it begins to fall off track (and, it is likely to at some point or multiple points throughout your relationship) there are a few things that I typically recommend:
- Take a time out. Similar to what I recommended in the stress post last week, simply removing yourself from the situation for a little bit and giving yourself time to reset can go a long way. In the example I gave at the beginning of the post (the road trip one) I did a variation of this where I simply told my husband I wanted to discuss it in a few minutes, and then rested for a little bit. A short time later I was already feeling better and more apt to hear him out because I took some time to remember why I wanted to be a submissive wife, as well as look at things from his point of view which really helped the conversation, and my mindsets.
- Try to figure out what triggers your negative mindsets so that you know how to control them in the future. I listed some reasons above, such as being stressed/overwhelmed and the HOH not being consistent enough, but those are just a few. Figuring out why you get in those non-submissive or non-cooperative mindsets will help you to be able to pinpoint a solution. Remember, you can’t change something until you know why it is occurring.
- Consider implementing maintenance spankings. There are many domestic discipline couples who swear by maintenance spankings, or sometimes called role affirmation spankings, as a way to do just that – reaffirm their roles. For submissive partners, these can go a long way in keeping the submissive mindset and submissive attitude where both she and the HOH feel it should be.
- Start a journal and use it as a way to vent your feelings. Using a journal, especially during those moments where you don’t feel as submissive as you want to, can help you to reflect deeper on what causes those feelings, and help you to pinpoint ways to avoid them. Also, if you choose to share your journal with your HOH it may help him to get a better understanding of what he can be doing to make sure you always have that submissive mindset that you both want, and expect.
- Ask for what you want. What can your HOH do to help you become more submissive? What can you do to help yourself become more submissive? Don’t be afraid to ask yourself this question, and to ask your HOH for what he can be doing. Things like maintenance and stress relief spankings can be difficult to ask for (same with punishment spankings) but they can go a long way in getting things back on track. Other things might be asking your HOH to provide more structure with domestic discipline, be more consistent, or help you by implementing rules surround submission and submissive mindsets.
Overall, just remember that submissive mindsets come and go. Similarly to how some HOH’s struggle with consistency from time to time, submissive’s do as well, just in a different way. If you expect your HOH to be consistent with his role as a dominant with things like enforcing the rules and maintaining the domestic discipline structure then he likely expects consistency from you as well. Identifying what triggers the non-submissive mindsets can go a long way in helping to find a solution.
We hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!