The oldest question in Domestic Discipline

“How does being in a domestic discipline relationship not make you feel like you’re being treated like a child?”

I (Chelsea) am almost convinced that every single person against domestic discipline has this swirling around their head. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (necessarily) but I’ve heard this countless times.


This is one of those topics that makes perfect sense in my head, but putting it into words seems so difficult. I think/hope those that already practice domestic discipline know exactly what I mean about it not making you feel like a child without me even having to put it into words, but I don’t know for sure.

Rules and consequences are everywhere in the world. Not just between a parent and a child. There are rules at work, school, public places, virtually everywhere. There are also consequences (usually in the form of the law but not always). Society has to have boundaries in order to function, that’s just the bottom line. It really baffles me why some people have such a hard time grasping that HoHs create rules/boundaries for their partners. I guess I’m weird.

I can’t speak for everyone in DD relationships, but in mine, I’ve never felt like a child. I think the biggest reasons for this are..

  1. The emotions involved. Domestic discipline, in general, requires a lot of really strong emotional ties. These ties become even stronger, and more apparent, when punishment (primarily spanking) takes place. The emotions involved are significantly different than a parent punishing a child. They are the same emotions applied within a marriage, or serious relationship.
  2. The discussion before hand is different. The discussions (or lectures, or whatever you want to call it) my husband and I have before hand are structured in a way where there are a lot of open ended, thought provoking, and adult-themed ideals. It isn’t “you really shouldn’t have done ___. Now you’re getting punished.” type of thing.
  3. It’s consensual. Parent/child discipline is not consensual, but domestic discipline is. In my marriage, I’m free to “withdraw consent” from this being in our marriage at any time (and so is my husband). Although I never have (and neither has he), it’s an option if either of us ever feel we need it. With that consent, I agreed to everything that comes with DD (the ups, the downs, the punishments, the rules, the rewards, the trust, the bond, the love, the emotions, and so much more). I chose this.

This “you’re being treated like a child!” thing never really made much sense to me, to be perfectly honest. My husband and I are married. He doesn’t parent me, or raise me. I think SOME parental elements are there (he protects me, he loves me, etc.) but, in my opinion, those elements are there in any strong relationship (whether DD is present or not).

If your HoH is making you feel like a child, I would strongly recommend reevaluating your DD relationship and pin-pointing what areas are making you feel that way, because, in my opinion, that isn’t healthy and DD wasn’t created to be a parenting mechanism. It was created to strengthen relationships, and in my opinion, it does just that.


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