We’ve always found it difficult to stress the importance of the submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking process. When we say that the submissive partner crying is an important part of a successful spanking, we don’t say that in a heartless, insensitive, or barbaric way. Quite the opposite, in fact. It isn’t like we’re some animals that enjoy seeing people cry. Explaining why spanking to tears is a healthy and loving part of the domestic discipline lifestyle may be difficult to do, but we’re up for the challenge. We feel it’s important to discuss this topic.
The anti-DD crowd is going to LOVE this entry. Away we go…
The submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking is important for a few reasons. One, it shows that the submissive partner is remorseful for their actions and shows that they understand how their behavior/poor judgment was dangerous or detrimental to the home and/or relationship. Without this realization, the submissive partner may feel as though the punishment is unfair or unjust, which would likely lead to unnecessary additional problems. It’s the responsibility of the HoH to express how and why their partner’s behavior was a problem during the lecture in a way that is easy for their partner to comprehend. We’ll touch more on that point in a moment.
The second reason crying is so important is the emotional release that it offers the submissive partner. When the submissive partner knows that their behavior/poor judgment disappointed their HoH, naturally they can develop a heavy emotional burden of guilt, remorse, and sorrow. The feeling of letting your partner down isn’t a pleasant feeling for anyone. The submissive partner may feel disappointment in themselves as well, which can trigger those same negative emotions. Crying offers a means of releasing these heavy negative emotions. After crying, the submissive partner will feel as though they have been appropriately held accountable for their actions, and they will feel a sense of forgiveness from their HoH. Two very important things.
After a “good cry”, there will be a feeling that slate has been wiped clean, the infraction is now in the past, and the couple can now move forward without those feelings of guilt and disappointment. These are very good feelings for both partners, and an important part of the entire experience.
Third, the submissive partner crying lets the HoH know where they are at in the spanking process. If there are no tears, it may wrongly convey the message that the spanking is having little to no effect on the submissive partner, thus prompting the HoH to spank harder/more times. That could cause potential problems as, in an attempt to get the submissive partner to their crying point, the HoH may over compensate and spank too much/too hard. By the submissive partner crying, it sends the message to the HoH that the spanking is effective and that the lesson is being learned.
When a submissive partner holds back tears, or tries to “prove their toughness”, it’s counter-productive to the whole spanking process and could potentially lead to some serious medical ramifications if the HoH spanks too much/too hard. It’s strongly recommended submissive partners do not do this as it could lead to very harmful results both physically and emotionally.
Those three reasons are why the submissive partner crying at some point during the spanking process is so important.
My partner doesn’t cry. I want them to have that release, and I know they want it as well, but we can’t seem to get to the point of crying. Any suggestions?
It’s important for a couple to understand that the spanking is not a total failure if the submissive partner doesn’t cry at any point throughout the process. Just because they didn’t cry does NOT mean the message was not received, or that the spanking was not successful. If the behavior improves and positive results come from the spanking (better communication, better understanding, stronger emotional bond, etc.), then the spanking was successful, even if the submissive partner did not cry at any point.
The HoH did not fail in their duty as disciplinarian, and the submissive partner did not fail in their duty of deferring, or “submitting”, or yielding (as one commenter put it), to their HoH if there are no tears during the spanking process. Some individuals tend to feel this way about the whole crying issue, and they shouldn’t. Some individuals have a difficult time crying. Simple as that. No tears does not mean either partner failed at any point during the spanking. It does mean, however, that the couple needs to make some adjustments to how they go about the spanking process.
Before making that adjustment, however, the couple must first know why the submissive partner is not crying. Once the reason is determined, the appropriate adjustment can be made to address the problem.
In our experience, the number one reason a submissive partner does not cry during a spanking is due to an incorrect mindset. They may not fully understand how their behavior was unacceptable/inappropriate, they may not fully understand the magnitude of the mistake, they may not feel any remorse, they may be thinking about something else entirely, they may not care, they may not be taking the punishment seriously – it could be any number of things. The bottom line with any of these incorrect mindsets is that the submissive partner must get to the point where they are focusing directly on the problem and situation at hand, and how their behavior has negatively impacted the home and relationship. Getting the submissive partner to that point isn’t their responsibility – it’s the HoH’s responsibility.
The husband MUST lecture correctly. We’ve outlined how to do so here. During the lecture process, the HoH must help their partner realize that the behavior was/is unacceptable/inappropriate on a more meaningful level than just, “Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have done that.” If the submissive partner claims to understand how their behavior was a problem already, then the HoH must ensure that they understand every angle, and every single aspect as to why the behavior absolutely cannot be repeated. It needs to get to the point where the submissive partner feels legitimate, meaningful remorse for their behavior. It needs to “sink in”, so to speak.
Generally this requires a more stern approach to the lecture, and a longer lecture.
That does NOT mean the HoH needs to be a complete jerk about things (yell at their partner, belittle them, humiliate them, etc.), but the HoH does needs to be very clear, and very firm with their convictions. “We agreed to our rules. They were broken. We wouldn’t be in this position had any thought been put into this and better judgment been used. It wasn’t, lives were put on the line, and I never want this to happen again. Is that clear?“
That’s very direct and very concise. A lecture that contains a few minutes of this stern approach will help get the submissive partner in the correct mindset, and help to get them focused on the problem/situation. Again, it needs to get to the point where the submissive partner is showing legitimate, meaningful remorse for their actions and not just brushing it aside as if to say, “Yeah, I know what I did wrong. Yada, yada, yada. Let’s get this over with.” It needs to mean a little more than that. A lot more than that, actually.
So, if the submissive partner is not crying due to them having the incorrect mindset, this is how we recommend a couple go about addressing the problem. Quite frankly, the HoH needs to be more stern with the lecture and do a better overall job of lecturing.
The second reason the submissive partner typically does not cry during a spanking is due to the spanking not being painful enough. The solution to this is simple – the spanking needs to be A) harder, B) longer, or C) both. There’s no other way to put it – the HoH needs to increase the intensity of the spanking in some fashion.
The third reason the submissive partner typically does not cry during a spanking is due to their buttocks becoming numb to the pain at some point in the process. If the HoH strikes with the exact same implement, in the exact same spot, with the exact same force behind the strikes for the duration of the spanking, the buttocks will become numb to the pain – particularly if they are spanking exactly the same way over the course of several months. Once the buttocks becomes numb to the pain, the HoH could spank countless times and it wouldn’t make any difference. Obviously that would be a problem.
To prevent the buttocks becoming numb to the pain, the HoH needs to mix things up throughout the entire spanking. The HoH needs to alternate implements and vary their strength behind the strikes throughout the entire spanking. It’s also important that the strikes fall on different areas of the buttocks. Varying the aspects of the spanking like this will ensure the buttocks does not become numb to the pain, which will keep the spanking painful and effective. This will increase the probability of the submissive partner crying and, as strange and as harsh as it may sound, crying is a good thing.
Also, striking the back of the thighs can help prevent numbness in the buttocks, HOWEVER, if the HoH chooses to strike the back of the thighs, it’s recommended they do so minimally. The back of the thighs is an incredibly sensitive area that is highly susceptible to bruising/welts. Strike the back of the thighs with extreme caution, and only do so as a last resort.
If all of these options fail, boot camp can be a means of addressing a “no crying” problem as well. Boot camp is an intensely emotional experience and can help with this problem, however we would only recommend couples consider boot camp if all of the above recommendations have been exhausted.
Even after addressing a “no crying” problem with the above recommendations, a submissive partner still may not cry. At that point there isn’t much else the head of the household can do, unfortunately. Again, that does not mean that the HoH is a failure, or that the submissive partner is a failure by any means. Some people just do not cry, and that’s a reality for some couples. There will still be plenty of benefits that result from a spanking, even if the benefits of a “good cry” are not obtained.
It’s important that the head of the household do all they can to help their partner cry, and that the couple continue to work together to find the best ways to enhance all aspects of their DD relationship. If all communication lines remain open between partners, any problem can be understood, addressed and overcome in a way that brings them the most happiness.
Chelsea also wrote about this topic if you’d like to check it out.