One thing that is evident among many domestic discipline couples is how difficult it is for the head of the household to conduct an effective lecture. Lecturing is not an easy thing to do, but it’s certainly a vital component to the long term correction of a problem, and it’s important the HoH know how to effectively lecture.
Essentially there are three components to the punishment process: 1) the lecture, 2) the punishment itself, and 3) the comforting afterward. All three components are important, but ironically the punishment itself is the least important. Don’t misunderstand – the punishment is still very necessary, but the lecture is what helps the submissive partner realize their mistake/poor judgment on a deeper level, and the comforting afterward is what strengthens the love and emotional bond between partners. For now we’ll focus on the lecturing aspect of the punishment. We’ll discuss the importance of lecturing, and we’ll cover how to effectively go about lecturing.
When it comes to the lecture, first thing is first – the head of the household needs to have a thorough discussion with the submissive partner about what happened. To prompt the need for a lecture, clearly a mistake was made or a rule was broken and the submissive partner likely feels bad about it. The HoH should definitely be sensitive to and understanding of that, however the HoH must still ensure that the submissive partner understands exactly why the behavior or action was/is a problem/dangerous. Deep down the submissive partner probably already knows this, but the point needs to really “hit home” and “sink in” for the problem to be corrected. The first thing the HoH is recommended to do is very calmly, and very respectfully, escort the submissive partner to a quiet place in the home to discuss what happened.
It’s important the HoH not use force, and it’s important the HoH speak very softly with genuine politeness, concern and care. It’s recommended the HoH not choose a punishment for the infraction until the entire situation has been thoroughly discussed with the submissive partner. If the submissive partner asks, “What’s my punishment going to be?” it’s recommended the HoH say something along the lines of, “Don’t worry about that too much right now, dear. Let’s just go into the bedroom and talk about what happened. I want to hear your side of the story. I just want to get to the bottom of what happened.”
Once in a quiet room, it’s recommended both partners sit down to thoroughly discuss the issue. It’s recommended that the HoH essentially “walk” the submissive partner through the conversation and let them do most of the talking/thinking. The role of the HoH is to guide the conversation where it needs to go, and to chime in here and there with relevant thoughts/suggestions. The point is to get the submissive partner thinking about what happened since, generally speaking, they weren’t thinking at the time the mistake was made. It’s the role of the HoH to mentally take the submissive partner back to that moment, get them thinking about it, and have them explain what they were thinking at the time.
To illustrate, we’ll do a mock conversation. For sake of example, we’ll say the submissive partner just got a ticket for texting while driving. This mock conversation is for illustration purposes only, and should simply be viewed as a template or an outline of how to give an effective lecture:
HoH: “Alright honey, you understand why we’re having this conversation, right?”
Submissive Partner: “Yeah I do. I screwed up.”
HoH: “Well, you broke one of our agreed upon rules. That’s all. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. Which rule did you break?”
Submissive Partner: “Our ‘no texting while driving’ rule.”
HoH: “Right. We’ve talked about this before and I know you understand why this is a rule in our relationship.”
Submissive Partner: “I know. It was just a quick message..I didn’t think it was a big deal. I was on my phone for like two seconds.”
HoH: “Well that’s two seconds too long. You shouldn’t be on it at all. You know that. Why did we make this a rule in our relationship?”
Submissive Partner: “Because it’s dangerous.”
HoH: “Exactly. It’s really dangerous. We both know there are more reasons than that though.”
Submissive Partner: “I know…I could get in an accident and get hurt, too.”
HoH: “See? You know this is dangerous, sweetheart. You could have gotten hurt or killed, and, if the kids had been in the car with you, you could have gotten them hurt or killed as well. On top of all that, you could hurt or kill another innocent driver on the road. Obviously you can get a ticket as well. It’s extremely important we get this fixed. I need you, and our kids need you. I don’t even know how we’d survive without you.”
Submissive Partner: “Yeah, I understand. You’re right. I just wasn’t thinking about it like that. You’ve told me before how dangerous it is..I guess I just thought it wasn’t a big deal to send ONE little message, but I know I shouldn’t have been on my phone.”
HoH: “All I’m asking you to do is to keep your phone off when driving. It’s really really dangerous. Our family loves you, and we need you.”
Submissive Partner: “I understand. I’m really sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
It’s important the HoH ask the submissive partner a few questions to get them thinking about the behavior and aid in them coming to the realization that this was dangerous and/or poor judgment. The submissive partner saying the dangerous behavior out loud will not only help them come to this realization, but will also illustrate to the HoH that they’ve thought about it, they’ve come to that realization, and they know a rule of the relationship was broken. By doing this, it is MUCH more effective in changing the thought process about the problem for the future, and the submissive partner will be WAY less likely to make the same mistake again. The next time their phone buzzes in the car, they’ll immediately think about how dangerous it is to take their eyes off the road and respond to a text message while driving.
The transition into the punishment is important as well. The HoH needs to bring the punishment into the conversation at the END of the lecture. The HoH needs to prompt the submissive partner to discuss what the punishment is going to be. Let’s pick up the example conversation where it left off:
Submissive Partner: “I understand. I’m really sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
HoH: “Well that’s the whole point of this conversation, dear. To get you thinking before you act. Think about why texting while driving is dangerous. Avoid the temptation all together. On your way home, turn your phone off, put it on silent, toss it in the backseat – do something so it doesn’t distract you while you’re driving.”
Submissive Partner: “Alright, I understand.”
HoH: “You can handle that, right?”
Submissive Partner: “Yeah, I can handle that. It makes sense. I’ll be safer when I’m driving.”
HoH: “Thank you. That’s all I’m looking for. Well, it sounds like you understand why this is a problem. I think we both know you’re being punished for this.”
Submissive Partner: “Yeah..I guess so.”
HoH: “What’s our consequence for breaking this rule?”
Submissive Partner: “I don’t know.”
HoH: “Yes, I think you do.”
Submissive Partner: “Um..I’m grounded for a while?”
HoH: “Well no, I think it’s a little more serious than that. Try again.”
Submissive Partner: “Uh..well..a spanking I guess.”
HoH: “Yes, that’s the consequence we agreed on for breaking this rule. This is a serious enough thing and much too dangerous to be happening again. It can’t happen again. I’m proud of you, honey. I appreciate you handling this so well. Let’s take care of this.”
(Followed by a hug – then proceed to spank)
The submissive partner has illustrated that they understand a spanking is the agreed upon consequence for breaking this rule. Once that happens, it’s over with. The submissive partner can’t really argue or negotiate at that point. Cooperation should be much better, and things should go much more smoothly for both partners. The conversation may or may not go this well, but it illustrates the points of letting the SUBMISSIVE PARTNER come to the realization of the mistake on their own, and letting THEM say what the punishment will be. This is where the long term correction of a mistake takes place, which greatly reduces the probability of the negative behavior repeating. This entire conversation should be right around 5-10 minutes long. Tops.
It’s important the HoH conduct a lecture in each punishment situation. Not just with spankable offenses, but with all punishments. It doesn’t always have to be a 5-10 minute lecture – it just needs to be long enough that the HoH get those two responses and realizations from the submissive partner: 1) why the behavior was/is a problem, and 2) what the punishment is going to be.
There you have it. Lecturing 101. I hope it made sense. Lecturing is certainly an important aspect of any domestic discipline relationship. It’s absolutely vital to the long term correction of a mistake/problem. It all makes sense when you think about it.