Spanking Issues: Hesitation

Spanking is such a complex aspect of a domestic discipline relationship.  Going through the spanking process often comes with numerous different challenges to overcome, many of which are extremely difficult to handle.  All of them are unique and need to be handled appropriately so things don’t escalate into a much worse situation.  In the “Addressing Spanking Issues” series here on Learning Domestic Discipline, we’ll address a number of these challenges and how to overcome them.


The first challenge to overcome in a spanking situation is hesitation.  Often times when a spanking situation presents itself, both partners feel reluctant to proceed with the spanking process for a number of different reasons.  It’s a normal feeling for submissive partners to not want to get spanked.  We would find it unusual if that were NOT the case.  The act of discipline spanking itself isn’t a pleasant experience, obviously.  The benefits from a spanking come AFTER the act itself, and it’s very common for submissive partners to have those feelings of hesitation or fear (from the spanking, not from the HoH) just before getting spanked.

The submissive partner may also disagree with why they’re being spanked, or may simply be trying to avoid getting spanked altogether by acting out.  We discussed how to handle that type of situationhere.  This entry focuses more on the submissive partner simply being scared of/nervous about the forthcoming spanking.

For the HoH, hesitation generally comes from thoughts like, “I don’t want to hurt my partner,” or “I don’t want to see my partner cry,” or “I really don’t want to have to do this tonight“, or “I can’t believe this happened again after I just spanked for this last week,” or “I’m too tired to deal with this today,” or “I know my partner is going to give me a hard time and I just don’t have the patience right now.” There’s always a reason NOT to spank, but it’s important the couple overcome their hesitation and go through with the spanking to remain consistent with the previously agreed upon rules of the home and relationship.

How do I overcome my feelings of hesitation just before a spanking?

The best way to do so is to work together with your partner.  That goes for both the HoH and the submissive partner.  You’re in this together.  You both agreed to a domestic discipline relationship and all it entails.  There are going to be times when your partner is reluctant to go through with the spanking process.  It’s part of the relationship “job description”, if you will, to ease their concerns, fears, and apprehensions so this process will go as smoothly as possible.  In short – be there for them.

There may be times when the HoH is angry with their partner for whatever mistake was made, and when the submissive partner becomes hesitant to go through with the spanking, the HoH in turn becomes even more upset.  That may be the worst possible thing an HoH can do in this moment.  First of all, HoHs shouldn’t be spanking when angry anyway, and secondly, getting more upset and using any kind of force is NOT going to help the situation whatsoever.   The HoH should calm down first, then comfort their partner BEFORE carrying out the spanking.

That’s right – we recommend the HoH comfort their partner before spanking in this situation.  The submissive partner is scared, nervous, anxious, among other things, and they need to be calmed down.  Sit on the bed together, look each other in the eye, gently embrace, gently say/whisper something calming, encouraging and reassuring.  It’s important the HoH illustrate they’re completely calm and in control of themselves.  Those are things the submissive partner needs in that moment.

Some HoHs may opt for bedroom time in this moment, however we recommend against doing so.  Bedroom time will do nothing but give the submissive partner more time to get themselves all worked up thinking about the forthcoming spanking.  In short, they’ll drive themselves crazy thinking about it, which is simply unnecessary.  The sooner the HoH can calm their partner down the sooner the spanking can happen, and thus the sooner the entire problem can be put in the past.

When the HoH is hesitant to spank, it’s time for the submissive partner to step up and be the calming influence.  The best possible thing the submissive partner can do is take responsibility for their actions in this moment.  That, above anything else, will help the HoH’s hesitation problem immensely.  “I know it’s hard for you to go through with this, but I understand it needs to be done.  I know I broke one of our rules, and I understand this is the consequence for that.  It’s alright, honey.  I take full responsibility for putting us in this position, and I appreciate you caring enough to do this for us.”  If the submissive partner says anything remotely close to this, it will go a LONG way in helping the HoH  overcome their hesitation.  The HoH needs to know their partner understands why this is happening.

Another thing the submissive partner can do to help the HoH’s hesitation issue is encourage them.  We know that’s really hard to do since the submissive partner isn’t going to want to encourage their HoH to spank them, but some HoHs need that encouragement.  If the submissive partner wants consistency, then cooperation through the whole spanking process is key.  Take responsibility, express understanding as to why this is happening, and cooperate.  You wanted this in your relationship and agreed to the lifestyle, so it’s best to behave in a manner that illustrates that.

The moral of the story is to be supportive of each other and work together to achieve the common goals of the relationship and the household.  Spanking isn’t easy to do for either partner.  It doesn’t have to be a difficult process if you both work together and are there for one another throughout the entire process.  If your partner is hesitant to go through with the spanking, ask why, communicate, and help each other through it.  It doesn’t have to be so challenging.

This was the first installment of the “Addressing Spanking Issues” series.  To proceed to the second installment, click on the link below.

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