A few weeks ago when I was brainstorming topics for this Submissive Saturday column I knew that doing one on the topic of “when submission becomes difficult” was almost a no-brainer. I feel like this is something that every single submissive wife struggles with at some point (myself included) and one that hopefully you can use as a resource to look back on during those moments when submission really does get tough.
No one (especially me!) said that being a submissive wife was easy. There are moments where you’ll likely think “is that seriously what my husband has decided??” or moments where it will be tempting to tell him no and do things your way. As bluntly as I can put this without sounding bad, doing things the “HOH way” all of the time can be challenging. Submitting to your husband is not always easy, whether that’s with small decisions, big decisions, and everything in between. It comes with challenges, and how you accept and handle those challenges is what is important.
Here’s a scenario for you to consider.
For this scenario, pick any big decision you want, because when the scenarios get too technical or detailed is when people tend to lose sight of the message and focus more on “my husband would never do that!” or “that isn’t an issue in our marriage!”, and criticism starts to fly). Alright, so, your husband and you have been discussing a big decision for weeks. It’s a decision that will likely impact your family for months, even years to come (maybe forever) and you have had many discussions about it. You’ve made your stance obvious, and definitely want him to choose choice A, but after weighing your opinion, what’s best for the family, what’s best for the marriage, smartest financially, etc. he decides choice B is the way to go. Obviously you’re hurt, upset, and maybe even confused as to why he did the opposite of what you wanted. Where do you go from there? As a submissive wife, part of your role is to just go with it, to submit to him, to follow his lead, and obey his authority. But what happens when obeying his authority and following his lead are not what you feel is in the best interest of the family, even though he does? When differences of opinions set in, where do you go from there?
This scenario can also be used for smaller decisions as well, but I wanted you to think about the big decisions for a minute because those are typically easier to follow the “just say okay” method with, or follow his lead with. When submitting gets tough, here are some points to consider.
- Sometimes it’s okay to not “just say okay”. You’ve likely heard me talk about the “just say okay” phrase before. It’s a goal of mine to get better with it, and I know several other submissive wives who have let me know they have similar goals, despite how hard it may seem at times. I know some of you may disagree with me, but I feel there are instances where the “just say okay” method/phrase/mindset might not apply and the above scenario is one of them. With any major decisions, ones that effect either you, your marriage, or your family as a whole for the long-term, your opinion is important. It’s valid. It needs to be heard and even though, in the above scenario, you would have (hopefully) stated it and your HOH opted for a different decision than you would have, it’s still important that you let him know how you feel. Respectfully, of course, but if there’s an angle of his decision that he may be overlooking, especially an important one, then I feel it’s okay to speak up and let him know. Don’t badger him to death about “I can’t believe you made that choice!” or anything even remotely close to that, but just making sure all angles are talked through (if they weren’t already) is going to be important.
- Don’t try to question his decision. It might sound contradictory to the point I made above (regarding expressing your opinions and not just saying okay in these circumstances) but it still is important that you find a balance between submitting to his decision and letting your voice be heard. The decision he made might be final, and that’s okay (even if, at the time, it doesn’t seem like it) but finding that balance is important. To find that balance, think about what it is that you would like him to do IF giving in to your way, or choosing the decision you would have made is NOT an option. Maybe you have a compromise that you would like for him to consider, or maybe you’d like to add a few conditions onto his outcome to see if he would consider (example: “I know you’ve decided that it’s best if you take that job offer and we move, but would you consider doing so after the kids are done with school this year.”) You might be reading this and shouting “Chelsea that is totally trying to change his decision!” and I can see why you’d think that. But, the point is not to try to question what he decided, but instead offer a compromise that may help you both.
- Learn when to let go. Just like with finding balance between submitting to his decision and voicing your opinion, it’s also important to find balance between voicing your opinion and learning when to let go and accept his decision. It’s important to not push too hard to the point where it either gets you in trouble, and/or causes him to second guess his decision. After voicing your opinion and trying to reach a compromisethere becomes a point where you need to let go and accept his decision. Yes, it is difficult. But, when you get to that point, there are a few things you can do to make it easier.
- Make a list of pros. It can be easy to have a “one track mind” and only see the bad in a decision that you may not agree with. By beginning to look at the positives of the decision it may help you to see things with a more positive outlook and change your perspective.
- Try to see it from your husband’s point of view. You may be thinking “I did that already!” but it’s important to do so again after the decision has been made. Trying to understand where your husband is coming from, his point of view, and his reasonings for that decision might help you to see things in a different light, and bring up points that you may not have otherwise realized or considered.
- Be supportive. This might not seem like it would make it easier on you, but it will long-term. Part of being a submissive wife is to support your HOH in all decisions, even ones that you disagree with at first. Supporting the decisions that your HOH will make it easier on the both of you because it will show your HOH that you support him, thus taking the pressure and stress off of him, and it will help to reduce tensions between the two of you thus making it easier on you both.
The bottom line is that being a submissive wife, just like being an HOH, is not easy.
It isn’t easy to “just say okay” to every decision, it isn’t easy to submit to decisions that you disagree with, and it isn’t easy to follow your HOH’s lead on decisions that you feel like are the opposite of the direction your family needs to be going in. When it comes to major decisions, it’s important to voice your opinion (respectfully) but be prepared to accept the decision in the end. Sometimes the decision he makes will turn out poorly, and that’s okay. He isn’t perfect, just like you’re not. If and when that happens, support him. It may be easy to throw the “I told you so!” phrase in his face, but if possible, try to refrain from doing so and accept that, at the time, he felt the decision was right for your family and that is a power that you’ve entrusted in him. On the flip side, sometimes the decision he makes will turn out better than expected and it’s important to stand by and support him in those moments as well.
Regardless of the decision you and your HOH might be facing, whether big or small, I hope these tips help you.