A potentially dangerous mindset in the domestic discipline lifestyle is believing that punishments must increase in intensity in order to see better long term results. Yes, that IS true to an extent, however if that approach is taken too far, it can/will put the submissive partner at risk (particularly when it comes to spanking).
When Chels and I started living this lifestyle, our punishments were very mild. Obviously over the years our punishments have increased in intensity as we’ve learned what to expect of one another, what is and is not excessive, and what works best for us. We know the limits and we know when not to exceed them. As with anything else in our lives, the more times we did something, the better we got at it. The concepts in our domestic discipline marriage were/are no different.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when it was, but at some point along our domestic discipline journey I knew I had reached the “limit.” The “limit” being defined as how much Chelsea can handle, particularly when it comes to spankings. At this point I have spanked Chelsea a countless number of times and I know exactly how much she can handle, and how much she needs in order to correct whatever problem we’re addressing. I know if I exceed that “limit” it would put Chelsea at risk and would create unnecessary problems.
So yes, increasing the intensity of the punishments yield better long term results, but there’s a “limit” to that concept. Once Chelsea and I reached that “limit”, I learned another very important lesson in the domestic discipline lifestyle — it isn’t the quantity of the punishment, it’s the quality of it.
What does that mean? Well, before I explain, I’ll talk specifically about our spankings, since spankings are everyone’s favorite punishment to talk about anyway.
For us, it isn’t about the number of strikes (quantity).
It’s about how well I lecture, and how efficient each one of my strikes are (quality). Simply put, the more effort I put into the spanking and the better I do at it, the better the results are. It’s a straight forward concept really, but not always an easy one to accomplish.
It’s no secret that I don’t enjoy spanking my wife. This actually presents a minor problem for us because, since I feel this way, I obviously would rather NOT spank my wife if I don’t have to. This naturally creates a tendency within me to want to simplify the spanking and cut corners where I can (because I dislike doing it so much). I want to get it over with as soon as possible, probably as much as (or maybe even more than) my wife does.
See the problem?
I may “want to get it over with as soon as possible”, but I can’t rush through it and conduct a poor spanking because the results won’t be as good. I have to make it a good, solid, quality spanking, and that doesn’t always mean it needs to be harder or longer (increased quantity). In fact, for us and where we are at in this lifestyle, that’s rarely (if ever) the case.
A good example to illustrate this is our use of swats. Chelsea has had her moments where she has a very poor, disruptive, and/or unhelpful attitude. It doesn’t happen often, but it has certainly happened before. I think that happens to everybody. We all have our bad days and our bad moments. I understand that, so does my wife, and so do YOU, I’m sure. It happens.
In these moments of poor attitude, I’ve used swats before and it immediately corrects the problem. Swats, for us, are nowhere near the same intensity as a formal punishment spanking. They’re not even close in fact, BUT they’re highly effective for us because the quality of them is high. Immediately after the offense, I swat extremely hard with my hand anywhere between 7-10 times or so, bare bottomed, while lecturing the entire time. They’re quality swats…not just a few lack-luster strikes on her bottom as she’s passing by or something. They’re meaningful (and painful). My swats immediately curb Chelsea’s attitude.
(For the record, yes, Chelsea has pushed her attitude before, which has led to a formal punishment spanking or two, but I would say 9 times out of 10 I can curb her attitude with 7-10 quality swats.)
The point of this example is to show that, for us, sometimes all it takes is a handful of swats to correct a problem, and I believe that’s due to administering quality strikes. 7-10 strikes with my hand. That’s it. That’s all it (usually) takes and the attitude is gone. I don’t need to swat upwards of 25+ times to get the point across. If I do the swats correctly, with quality, I rarely have to escalate things into a formal spanking, which — trust me — consist of a whole lot more than 7-10 strikes.
The whole quality over quantity thing I’m illustrating in this post isn’t just for swats and spankings, either. It’s a concept that is quite consistent over all domestic discipline punishments. For instance, sometimes all it takes is 5 minutes of corner time to curb a behavior, rather than, say, 20 minutes or more. If those 5 corner time minutes are quality minutes, in which I give a proper lecture and Chelsea follows the corner time rules the entire time, the punishment is (usually) effective. A 5 minute corner time can be perfectly sufficient if I do a quality job of administering it. I don’t need to escalate the number of minutes. I don’t need more quantity (generally speaking).
It’s a delicate balance, to be sure. I do take comfort in knowing, however, that if I do punishments the right way the first time, it saves us both a lot of headaches. When I do quality punishments the first time around, punishing for repeat behaviors is less frequent which is better for everyone.