Is Loving Domestic Discipline sexual in nature? This is a question that can create great controversy among practitioners and proponents of the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. Some people fervently believe that it has absolutely no sexual component, while others believe that it is entirely based on the transfer of sexual energies between the HOH and the woman he is disciplining.
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The most important point to understand at the outset of this article is that we need to tolerate each others’ differences, including differences of opinion on this most inflammatory of topics. Don’t start reading this article looking for arguments to support your prejudices or personal preferences. Keep an open mind and a tolerant attitude towards people whose views might differ from your own. Because those people are still living the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. They are not your enemies, after all. Remember that many people who do not practice Loving Domestic Discipline can be extremely judgemental about our lifestyle. Don’t do the same thing to fellow practitioners of Loving Domestic Discipline. It is foolish and pointless to fight with your friends. Disagreement is not the same thing as enmity.
If you have read other articles on this blog, especially the article titled, “Submission”, you will be familiar with the idea of different types of energy. In this case, we are talking about the differences between masculine and feminine energies, because they are different and complementary. Of course, women have a certain amount of masculine energy and men have a certain amount of feminine energy too, but a man’s energy is predominantly masculine and a woman’s is predominantly feminine.
These masculine and feminine energies express themselves in different ways. Not all masculine and feminine energy is sexual, for example. Men experience bursts of masculine energy when they are playing or watching sports, or spending time with their male buddies, or watching action movies. None of these is inherently sexual, but they are all expressions and experiences of masculine energy. Similarly, women experience and express feminine energy when they go shopping, even though shopping has nothing to do with sexual energy per se. Masculinity and femininity are related to sex and gender, but they are not always automatically sexual concepts. Not all masculinity is sexual and not all femininity is sexual, even though they have their origin in the differences between the sexes.
When men and women relate to each other, their energies combine in love and sex. Love is not always sexual and sex is not always loving, although it often is. The flow of masculine and feminine energies between a man and a woman creates a sense of unity and union, a sense of being part of something greater than one’s individual self. This is a simple way for many people to experience spirituality in their daily lives. Another word for this is love. The love that exists between a man and a woman is a powerful force that involves both the sundering of individual identity and the feeling of being part of a greater whole.
Sex is a different energy from love, although sex can be an expression of love. Sex can also be a simple expression of sexual desire. It does not always have to include love. It is possible for two people who love each other to experience sexual desire for each other and to have sex together without that sex actually being an expression of their love. They may just be feeling sexy and enjoying each other’s bodies and each other’s sexual excitement. At other times, the sexual union of a man and a woman will be a profound expression of their mutual love for each other.
The male experience of sex is profoundly different from the female experience of sex. This sounds like a fairly obvious statement, but it is often forgotten by people who try to apply the same yardstick to both male and female experiences of sex. At its origin, sex is designed for procreation and the perpetuation of the species. So the basic desire for sex is a procreative one and the various mechanisms of sexual intercourse are attempts by our bodies, minds and souls to express this creative impulse. Not all forms of sex are actually procreative, but this does not change its basic qualities of union and creativity.
Often, a woman who practices Loving Domestic Discipline will notice that she feels much more submissive to her HOH after they have had sex or made love. This simple fact can be taken in more than one way. Some people will point to it as proof that Loving Domestic Discipline is primarily sexual, because sex can produce a similar feeling of love and submissiveness in a woman as she feels when she has been thoroughly and effectively spanked to tears by her HOH. Others might argue that the feelings of submission and love experienced by a woman after sex are due to the inherently submissive role of the female in normal sexual intercourse. In order to be penetrated sexually, the woman has to open her thighs and part the closed lips of her sex. Only then can her man penetrate her body. So her main experience of sex and sexual love depends entirely on an act of great submission. Submission lies at the core of feminine sexuality because it is a simple physical fact. The woman is rewarded with sexual pleasure because she has submitted to her man physically. Without that physical submission, she cannot participate in conventional vaginal sexual intercourse. So submission and surrender are deeply hard-wired into the female psyche, because the survival of the species literally depends upon it. Without feminine submission, there would be no people left on the planet.
On the other hand, submission does not hold the same positive benefits for men as it does for women. Surrender is what men do when they are soldiers who have lost a battle against an opposing army. This is not generally a good thing for men! The male experience of lovemaking has little to do with passivity and surrender, but everything to do with activity and domination. Please read the article called “Submission 1” for more information about the issue of submission and its role in Loving Domestic Discipline.
Not all sex is the same. This sounds like a fairly easy and obvious statement to make, since anyone who has had sex more than once will have experienced the different qualities of each separate episode. But many people think that you are either having sex or you are not, which then leads them to suspect that matters are either sexual or they are not. However, life is not quite so simple. Sex has many different qualities. It, like bratting, is really a spectrum of behavior, not a single kind of behavior. Some sex is an expression of sheer animal lust – the desire to possess or be possessed, the desire to impregnate, to procreate at all costs. This is an overwhelming urge to penetrate (or be penetrated) that fills people’s awareness so much that they can think of nothing else until this desire is fulfilled.
Other sex is an expression of pure love between two people who are intimately connected. This kind of sex is inspired by love and is itself an expression of that love. It is a way of making real and physical this abstract but strong feeling of love between two people. It is a physical expression and concretization of the emotion of love. This is what “lovemaking” really means. It means making love into something real. Traditionally, a baby has been the ultimate expression of this.
Some sex is an experience of stress release. Some people release a lot of accumulated stress during sex and find that sex helps them to relax and feel calm. Sexual contact has an extremely grounding effect on people. No matter how worried they are, no matter how intellectual they are, no matter how focused on the external world they are – sex brings them back to Earth, because it brings them back into their bodies in a healthy and natural way.
Others release a lot of accumulated anger or frustration during sex and are left calm and placid afterwards. For others, sex is an expression of their masculinity or femininity – it is the expression and fulfillment of their intrinsic gender identity, and as such, is inherently fulfilling and satisfying. In a world where gender roles are often blurred or indistinct, the simplicity and clarity of the gender roles found in conventional heterosexual intercourse can be a breath of fresh air. Many women feel that they are obliged to act like men all day at work, which makes them feel like a failure as a woman inside. It can make them feel like they have betrayed their own femininity in order to make a living. Making love can help them to feel feminine again and female again, which makes them feel whole. Loving Domestic Discipline itself can also help to make a woman feel feminine again, so that she feels natural and fulfilled by her experience as a woman.
For some people, sex is a way of saying thank you to their partner. Oral sex, in particular, can function as a special gift of pleasure for the person receiving it, and so is a common way of expressing gratitude between a man and a woman. There are many other ways of saying thank you, of course, such as baking a cake, mowing the lawn, buying flowers, giving a back massage, cooking a delicious meal, etc. Sex is merely one of the ways of saying thank you.
The point of all this is that sexual behavior and sexual emotion are a continuum or a spectrum. It is not a simple difference like yes/no or on/off. Sex can mean all sorts of different things at different times, even in the same couple. Sex has all different sorts of significance, depending on the situation and the prevailing emotions and moods of the participants.
Now we will examine certain aspects of the experience and the energies of Loving Domestic Discipline in relation to sex. Specifically, we will look at the aspects of Loving Domestic Discipline that connect it to sexual energy of various types.
The first area of discussion is the bottom – specifically, the female bottom. The bottom is a very sexy area of a woman’s body. It is an erogenous zone which attracts the eye of the opposite sex and which is associated with touching, stroking and squeezing during lovemaking. Physical contact with a woman’s bottom is normally pleasing for both the man and the woman during sex. A swimsuit has traditionally always covered a woman’s buttocks because of their erotic and sexual significance, but this rule is changing as the wearing of thongs on the beach is becoming more popular and more acceptable. Of course, it must be remembered that during Victorian times, the mere sight of a lady’s ankle was regarded as sufficient to send a man into a sexual frenzy from which he would rarely recover, if ever. So the definition of erogenous and non-erogenous zones of the body has changed over the decades and the centuries.
It also seems that on an evolutionary level, the female body has evolved through sexual selection as much as through the need for survival. According to recent scientific research, the shape of a woman’s breasts is not functionally ideal. Female monkeys have breasts which are thin and pointy, because that shape is easier for a baby monkey to suckle from. The more spherical and rounded shape of a woman’s breasts actually make it harder for a human baby to drink from, because it is slightly more difficult for the baby to breathe. The rounded contours tend to get in the baby’s face more than a narrow, pointed breast would. But human males have preferred rounded breasts over the millennia, and so women’s breasts are rounded as a result. And babies still manage to breastfeed without too many problems. One might infer a similar conclusion about the rounded shape of the female bottom. It has probably evolved that shape due to male sexual preferences. But who knows – the female bottom may owe its delightfully rounded shape to women’s ongoing need for Loving Domestic Discipline throughout the ages and women’s need to protect their bottoms from the inevitable spankings that they receive as a result of their misbehavior! 😉
So any activity such as Loving Domestic Discipline which involves spanking the misbehaving woman’s bottom may be directly connected with sex and sexuality, because it is an erogenous zone of the woman’s body which is receiving the punishment spanking. It may be construed as being a sexual act because it is taking place on a sexualized area of the body, even if its primary motive is discipline and correction, and even if the end result of the process is not sexual union and orgasm, but rather tears, sobbing and repentance. Any bottom spanking has a sexual connection because of the sexual significance of a woman’s buttocks.
Another important feature of the Loving Domestic Discipline process is that many women experience the physical symptoms of sexual arousal during spanking, even a punishment spanking for misbehavior. The main indicator here is lubrication – many women (but not necessarily all women) find that they become wet between their legs as a result of their discipline spanking, even if they are not consciously sexually aroused. This lubrication is part of the feminine sexual response to being dominated by a male who is disciplining her.
Some men find a similar thing happens to their own anatomy when they discipline their women. It is not uncommon for an HOH to discover that he has an erection while he is spanking his wife as she lies over his lap. This does not happen to all men, however. Nonetheless, men are very visual and the close physical proximity of his woman’s bare bottom can be very stimulating for a man, even if he is punishing her for disobedience. So it is not so surprising that some men might develop erections as they discipline their women, as a natural sexual response to this stimulus.
The biggest factor that leads many people to conclude that Loving Domestic Discipline is primarily sexual is that some couples are inclined to make love after a discipline session. Once the spanking is over, once the woman’s tears have dried up and once she has been gently and lovingly forgiven by her HOH, many couples have a strong desire to make love. Some couples feel as though this lovemaking is contrary to the disciplinary spirit of Loving Domestic Discipline and will actively avoid lovemaking until later, so that discipline and sex are not confused. Others feel that this lovemaking is a natural conclusion to the process of discipline and is no threat to their Loving Domestic Discipline arrangement.
Another significant factor that connects Loving Domestic Discipline and sexuality is that most couples in the lifestyle find that their sex lives improve dramatically after they begin Loving Domestic Discipline. They start using it to try to improve their relationship, sometimes as a last-ditch attempt to rescue things before divorce becomes necessary, but discover that not only does Loving Domestic Discipline save their marriage, but it also brings their sex life back from the dead! This is a certain indication for many that sex and Loving Domestic Discipline are intimately linked.
Some couples take the connection between discipline and sex even further. Some women will verbally thank their HOH after their punishment, because he has taken the time and trouble to correct and discipline her for her own benefit. Others will thank their HOH in a more sexual manner, by kneeling before him and performing oral sex on him, as a very personal and intimate way of saying thank you. The woman who performs this loving act of service for her HOH chooses to give thanks to her HOH in a sexual way, not just a verbal one. Some women will kneel before their HOH and serve him orally even before they have stopped crying, so urgent is their desire to express their gratitude to him in a sexual manner. Some HOH’s are sexually excited by this kind of tearful service while others are disturbed by it. Those who are excited by it feel that it is a further disciplinary tool to inspire submission in their woman after she has been punished, and that it is their rightful reward as the HOH for having taken the trouble to properly and justly discipline the woman. Since this discipline has primarily been for her own benefit, she ought to thank him as humbly and as submissively as possible, as part of her punishment.
Some women feel strongly aroused by having to kneel before their HOH and fellate him while still crying, because it excites their own strongly submissive urges. Sexual service of this nature is a profound statement of submission, femininity and love, for the women who perform it. They are sexually aroused and fulfilled by having to serve their HOH in such a humiliating and submissive manner, immediately after their punishment. Although this kind of kneeling, sobbing fellatio is not practiced by the majority of disciplined women, it is still nonetheless a practice which does exist. It does seem to indicate the presence of a strong sexual component to Loving Domestic Discipline.
So there are many different factors and experiences that connect Loving Domestic Discipline and sexuality. Some of them are involuntary and unconscious while others are performed consciously and knowingly.
DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE IS NOT SEXUAL
For many other people, Loving Domestic Discipline is not sexual. Some people believe that Loving Domestic Discipline is mandated by the Bible and is inherently non-sexual. Others believe that it is both Godly and sexual, while others believe it is neither God-given nor sexual. We will now explore some of the experiences and theories about the non-sexual aspects of Loving Domestic Discipline.
The basic technique of Loving Domestic Discipline is spanking which is applied to the woman’s bottom. Why choose the bottom for spanking, anyway? If Loving Domestic Discipline is not sexual, why not spank somewhere else that is not an erogenous zone? The choice of the woman’s bottom as the spanking target would seem to indicate that the motivation for spanking is primarily sexual. In fact, this may not be true, because there aren’t many other places on the body where you don’t find major veins or arteries, or delicate bones, or unprotected internal or external organs or glands. The bottom has none of these, which is why the safest place to spank a woman is on her bottom. The fleshiness of her buttocks protects the woman’s body, as well as protecting the man’s hand from injury as he spanks her. Many people believe that the sheer practicality and safety of the female bottom as the site for spanking is the reason for the attention that is focused on it, not because the entire practice revolves around sexuality.
Some people may ask why the hands are not used as a discipline site instead of the bottom, if Loving Domestic Discipline is not primarily sexual. But the hands cannot be spanked easily and safely. Instead, they have to be struck with a leather belt. The hands contain many small bones which are potentially liable to fracture under violent blows, whereas the bottom does not. A woman’s bottom is simply the safest and easiest place to spank her. You don’t need any special implements – just a firm hand and the determination to get the job done.
Another factor that helps many people to distinguish the sexual from the non-sexual in Loving Domestic Discipline is that some women receive both erotic spankings and discipline spankings. These women (and the men who spank them) are fairly clear about the difference between the two types of spankings. Erotic spankings result in erotic stimulation and usually end in lovemaking, while discipline spankings result in emotional and physical pain and usually end in tears and contrition, not sex. The distinction is quite dramatic and most women who have experienced both types of spanking will know that they would never confuse eroticism with discipline. Most men who have given both kinds of spanking (erotic and punishment) will also be quite certain about the differences between each type. An erotic spanking is fun and playful, while a punishment spanking is an unpleasant but necessary duty that a man has to perform. It is about making her cry genuine tears of remorse and repentance. It is about humbling her. It is about teaching her a lesson. It is not, generally speaking, an occasion for either levity or sexual games.
Some erotic spankings can actually be harder and more painful than a punishment spanking, yet the woman being disciplined will be able to take more swats without shedding a single tear, instead becoming sexually aroused as a result of her spanking. If all Loving Domestic Discipline is sexual, surely she should be crying during her harder erotic spanking and becoming aroused during her lighter punishment spanking. Yet a woman will not cry during a severe erotic spanking, even though she sobs loudly during a much less severe punishment spanking. This seems to suggest that it is not the activity that is or is not sexual – it is the intent, the mood and the ritual that determine whether the end result is sexual or disciplinary in nature. Not all spanking is sexual.
Often, a man’s sense of disappointment in his woman, because of her misbehavior, will block or blunt any sexual feelings that he might otherwise have. It is often a sad, unpleasant and rather tiring duty to have to punish a woman for her misbehavior, especially when a man loves her and wants to see her do well. These feelings of disappointment can act as a potent antidote to any sexual feelings that he might otherwise have about spanking his woman. His pleasure at seeing and touching her bare bottom can easily be outweighed by his disappointment in her misbehavior and his sadness at having to discipline her for it.
A similar feeling can block or prevent a woman’s sexual response to a spanking situation when she is being punished for her misbehavior. Instead of feeling sexually aroused, her predominant feelings are often fear (at her impending punishment), disappointment in herself for having done something she shouldn’t have, and a sense of shame for having disappointed the man who loves her more than anyone else in the world – her HOH. These negative feelings will usually tend to outweigh the normal feelings of sexual desire that might be associated with spanking in a more erotic situation. Having her bottom bared by her man might normally be a prelude to sex, but during discipline it is a prelude to being punished for misbehavior, which is a completely different thing. Some women will even start crying before their spanking begins, so strong is their sense of shame at having disappointed the man they love, via their own silly misbehavior.
The fact that a woman may sometimes become wet between her legs as a result of her spanking is not necessarily a positive proof that Loving Domestic Discipline is primarily sexual and that her primary motivation for being spanked is sexual. This lubrication may also be seen as a sign of submission, rather than a sign of arousal. Although submission is strongly connected to a woman’s experience of sex, it does not automatically follow that all submission is sexual. In Loving Domestic Discipline, she is submitting to her HOH’s will, which can be fulfilling in itself for some women, because this act of submission confirms and validates her sense of femininity. It makes her whole as a woman. It provides her with a deep experience of her own femininity, because she experiences surrender to a stronger, masculine force – her HOH.
Some couples who practice Loving Domestic Discipline often end up making love after the woman has been punished for her misbehavior. This act is as much about emotional and loving reconnection as it is about sexual desire. Some couples end up making love after eating dinner, or going to the movies, or going for a walk. It does not automatically mean that their dinner or movie or walk was an inherently sexual experience. It just means that their activity triggered some kind of emotional closeness that they wished to cement and express via their subsequent lovemaking. The same thing applies to a typical punishment spanking in Loving Domestic Discipline.
People often notice that the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle has a big effect on a couple’s sex life. It tends to improve it dramatically. This would seem to indicate that its effect is very sexual. But other things improve a couple’s sex life too. Getting a higher paid job can be a big boost for a man’s ego, which can really lift his performance in the bedroom. But no one would say that his job promotion is inherently sexual, even though it has a positive side effect on his libido. Having a job that produces less stress can be very helpful for some couples’ sex lives. But low stress is not inherently sexual. It simply frees up more life energy for use in more fun activities such as lovemaking. Taking a ski holiday in the snow together can help a couple’s sex life. But skiing itself is not inherently sexual. People normally ski fully clothed, not nude. It is the sense of adventure, fun and togetherness that skiing creates which can help to bring a man and a woman together sexually.
People find that Loving Domestic Discipline improves their sex life simply because it improves other parts of their life too. If a couple spends less time battling for control of their relationship and arguing about trivial or petty issues, they are obviously going to have a lot more love available for other activities. They are obviously going to have a lot more energy available for other activities. They are obviously going to feel closer to each other, and more connected to each other. They are probably going to want to express their newfound (or regained) sense of connectedness. The act of lovemaking is an excellent way for a couple to express these improved energies and feelings. But the connection between Loving Domestic Discipline and sex is not necessarily direct. Loving Domestic Discipline helps so many aspects of a couple’s life together. It returns them to a more natural and loving way of relating to each other. Living this way, it is not surprising that they should want to make more frequent and more passionate love to each other. It is a sign that a healthy balance within the relationship has been restored. It is not a sign that Loving Domestic Discipline is some kind of sexual Viagra, but rather that it is a kind of emotional Viagra. It starts the sexual relationship where all sexual urges begin – in the mind. The disciplinary process reconnects the couple, it gives the disciplined woman a profound experience of submission and femininity, and it re-establishes their love relationship. Sex is just an expression of this amalgam of experiences and feelings, not necessarily the goal.
As previously mentioned, some women kneel before their HOH after being disciplined and fellate him. It is easy and logical to assume that this is quite obvious proof of the sexual nature of Loving Domestic Discipline: the woman is spanked for misbehavior, but afterwards she performs oral sex on her HOH. The misbehavior and the punishment seem like a mere pretext for sex, viewed this way. However, on the other hand, her kneeling sexual service is as much a sign of her gratitude, submission, and loving reconnection as it is a sign of sexual desire. For some women, the desire to submit is so strong that they receive as much gratification from submission as they do from direct sexual contact. It is hard to distinguish the submissive urges from the sexual urges in such a case, because they are both separate and intimately connected.
Some women may feel aroused before a punishment spanking, because it contains all the elements that might normally arouse them – being dominated by their HOH, being fully or partially nude, and having close physical contact with their HOH as they lay across his lap. But this sense of sexual arousal can be fleeting, because it is usually interrupted by the pain of the spanking. The pain of the punishment spanking will usually rapidly dissipate any sexual arousal that the woman has been feeling prior to her actual spanking.
Scolding will increase this even further. When a man scolds his woman for misbehavior during the Loving Domestic Discipline process, he will bring her attention to her attitude and actions. If her attention was on the sexual side of things before, it will be quickly brought to the actual fact of her misbehavior by her HOH’s scolding. Scolding plays a major role in emphasizing the disciplinary nature of a punishment spanking and differentiating it from an erotic spanking.
I hope that after reading this article you will have realized that Loving Domestic Discipline and sex are far more complicated than an either/or situation. Ultimately, it is neither important nor useful to ask whether Loving Domestic Discipline is primarily sexual or primarily disciplinary. Because it is both and it is neither. Sometimes it is both at the same time, and sometimes it is just one. It does not really matter in the end whether it is sexual or not, because it works. It brings people together. It promotes love. It creates harmony. It engenders respect. It creates happiness. It teaches obedience. It inspires honesty. It just works.
The main situation in which it is worthwhile being aware of the sexual side of Loving Domestic Discipline is when a couple finds themselves using pretend reasons for a spanking, especially sexual discipline. Saying that a woman has no right to masturbate on her own because her body belongs to her HOH is not really Loving Domestic Discipline – it is a pretext for an erotic spanking. Calling it a discipline spanking is not being entirely honest. Sometimes this situation will arise because the woman simply needs a stress relief spanking, or because her HOH simply needs to give her more frequent Maintenance Discipline spankings. At other times, this situation may be a sign that the couple might want to explore using erotic spankings as a way to stimulate their sex life, while keeping punishment spankings for genuine cases of female misbehavior.
But spanking a woman for serious misbehavior (e.g. taking foolish risks with her own life or the lives of others) is not sexual. That is a genuine punishment spanking which will benefit her greatly, in a number of different ways. Some of those ways may be sexual, while most will not. If Loving Domestic Discipline were exclusively sexual, it would have no connection with the world outside a couple’s bedroom. But it does. It does relate to behavior outside the bedroom, and it does positively affect the way that a woman conducts herself in completely non-sexual situations. If Loving Domestic Discipline were exclusively non-sexual, it would never result in sex after spanking, nor male or female sexual arousal during a spanking, nor a generally improved sex life together.
Another interesting point which is relevant to this discussion is that it is not always both partners who are aroused or are not aroused by the disciplinary process. Sometimes both people will be aroused by discipline but will purposely defer lovemaking so as not to confuse the issue. Sometimes it is the man who is aroused by spanking his wife for discipline, and at other times the wife is the one who is sexually aroused by her punishment. So making a blanket statement that Loving Domestic Discipline is or is not sexual will simply not apply to those couples who have a differing experience of discipline and sexuality.
People tend to be fascinated by whether Loving Domestic Discipline is sexual or not because they have a great deal of residual subconscious guilt about sex. They feel that if Loving Domestic Discipline is sexual, then they will feel comfortable with its more challenging personal implications, because sex is easier to come to terms with. Or they feel that if Loving Domestic Discipline is non-sexual, then they don’t have to worry about being naughty and offending the Lord or their neighbors. But simplistic thinking like that is a trap, because it provides an easy way out that actually leads nowhere. Humans and human sexuality are far more complex than most of us imagine. Loving Domestic Discipline provides us with a simple, effective and loving way to address that complexity and integrate our needs for love, harmony and respect with the demands of daily life in a heterosexual relationship.