Whatever category you fall into, I think everyone can agree that it isn’t easy to submit to your HOH during a punishment, particularly a spanking, especially if you’re the type who fears and loathes the punishment.
So, what can be done to make submitting during this rough time a little bit easier?
Below are some tips.
- First, pinpoint why it is you’re having a difficult time submitting. Like with most things in domestic discipline, it’s difficult to change a behavior if you don’t understand why it is happening in the first place. By figuring out why cooperating during a spanking is difficult for you, it will be easier to come up with possible remedies. For example, if you simply disagree with the rule, talking to your HOH first to get a better understanding of what it is and why they feel a punishment is necessary may help you to see the other side of the coin.
- As I briefly mentioned above, take the time to talk to your HOH beforehand. No, this doesn’t translate to sit down and negotiate the 1.5 million reasons why you shouldn’t be spanked. But, the better understanding you have of why you’re being punished, what the rule was and what you should do differently next time, the easier it will be to submit.
- Think about the end goal. At the end of the spanking, the goal is for your behavior to improve, your relationship to strengthen, and for comforting/aftercare to take place. Those three things should all be a positive experience. The fact that all is forgiven and you can move forward afterwards is definitely a positive. Thinking ahead to what the end goal is for you may help to make it easier to cooperate and get the crappy part over with.
- Don’t be afraid to express your feelings (respectfully, of course). If you feel the punishment is unfair, your HOH has a right to know that. If you feel the rule is ridiculous, they have a right to know that too. Talking through how you feel is extremely important.
So, what does submission during a spanking look like? Personally, I define it as full cooperation, to put it in simplest terms. Commands (or requests) are obeyed the first time without eye rolls and delays, your attitude isn’t disrespectful or challenging, and your overall demeanor is apologetic and remorseful (although that may not come until after the spanking, and that’s okay). Before, during, or after a spanking isn’t really the time for disrespect, attitude, eye rolling, etc.
In addition to tips for submissive partners, there’s also a list of things that HOHs can do to help ensure submission during a spanking process. Remember, domestic discipline is a 2-way street and requires both partners to be actively involved.
Your HOH can help you better show submission using the following tips:
- Never spank when angry. But, this goes for both parties, not just you. As the HOH, when you’re angry, it’s a bad idea to spank because the spanking could be overly excessive and/or not adequate to what the offense actually was. It also can cause feelings of resentment from the submissive partner. But, it is also extremely important to delay spanking when the submissive partner is angry as well. This is because it is unlikely that the submissive partner will be able to redirect her focus during the spanking onto something other than the reasons why she is angry, and thus making the spanking useless since she isn’t focused on the misbehavior or how to correct it. We’ve written much more on spanking while angry here.
- Ensure that you are lecturing properly. Often times it is the lecture component, not the spanking component, that can bring submission, remorse and apologies from the submissive partner. We offer several different lecturing resources, including posts and podcasts, to help you effectively lecture.
- Try to get to the bottom of why your submissive partner is not being cooperative or submissive. Similar to why it’s important for the submissive partner to identify the reason, it is important for HOHs to as well. By identifying the reasons behind the non-cooperative attitude it will be easier to identify the appropriate action for both you, and her, to take.
- Don’t be quick to punish. I think one of the big mistakes that HOHs make in situations where the submissive partner is non-cooperative is to punish immediately, rather than taking the time to identify why their partner is being non-submissive in the first place. I’m not saying punishments aren’t warranted, but hold off on doing so until you truly understand what is going on and then decide if punishments will be the correct route in fixing the problem. Remember, you can’t punish into submission.
There’s no doubt that being submissive 24/7 is tough, even for those who classify themselves as naturally submissive. Everyone goes through phases where it just feels harder to be a submissive partner, similar to how HOHs struggle to remain consistent and in “HOH mode” 24/7 every day of the year. So, don’t be discouraged if you feel yourself feeling non-submissive, especially before a spanking. Hopefully with these tips it will become easier for you, and your HOH, in the future.