Well, you’ve made it through “The Talk” part, which is probably the hardest and most nerve-wracking, so congrats! Hopefully it went well.
We broke this entry up into 2 sections…”If Your Partner Said No” and “If Your Partner Said Yes”. These are both designed to answer the question “where do we go from here?”
If Your Partner Said No…
We’ve talked to a few (although, admittedly, not a lot) of people who said it took a long time to get their partner on board and, for whatever reason, no was always the first answer they got. We would say keep trying, be persistent, but we don’t think that’s always the best idea. In our opinion, the more you push the issue, the further away you could potentially be pushing your partner. So, here’s what we’d recommend.
1: Give the issue space. Asking or bringing up the topic every day is just going to create annoyance and hostility. Instead, we would put the issue “on the back burner” for a bit and revisit it later. As far as when to do that, it depends how anti-DD your partner was. If he/she had the “no way on this earth are we ever doing that” reaction, we would recommend probably wait a month or two before mentioning it again. If he/she was a little more open to the idea but still had some hesitations, we would recommend waiting a couple of weeks. You be the judge on the timing. But the key is to not continually harp on the issue if it’s something they are against.
2: Explore the reasons why. We listed some of the common hesitations that partners often have in part one. Chances are, one of those listed is the reason your partner is declining the DD idea right out of the box. Whether it’s one of those reasons or something completely new, take a look at why they aren’t willing to give it a shot and research or talk to others who practice DD about how to help calm some of their fears and solve some of the problems they’re having with it before you talk to him/her about it again.
3: Don’t get discouraged/act out on purpose. We know these are two different things, but we’re lumping them together for a reason because one often leads to the other. Your first reaction is probably to be discouraged, disappointed, upset, etc. and that’s understandable. Although we believe domestic discipline greatly helps relationship, it’s not something you have to have for your relationship to work- not even close. Also, just because your partner said no doesn’t mean there is no hope for it to become a tool in your relationship in the future. As we said before, we’ve talked to a few people who are all happily practicing DD now, but their journey started out with a “no” at first too.
Some people have the mindset that if the answer is no, they should go act out on purpose (if they are the submissive partner) or point out every flaw their partner has that makes them need DD (if they are the HOH). This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very bad idea. For one, the chances are slim that either of these really unintelligent plans will be received well. If your HOH sees you acting out on purpose, it’s most likely just going to annoy them and cause hostility/arguments/etc. and push them even further away from the idea of DD because “oh my gosh, that’s how they’ll act??” will be at the forefront of their mind. For HOHs, constantly making comments like “see, because you did _____, we really need to try DD” is going to have the same response (most likely) of annoyance and hostility, as well as pushing your partner further away from the DD concept.
The bottom line is, if the answer was no (for whatever reason), it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be the end of the world. Just take a break from discussing it, research it some more on your own or talk to others about it, and then revisit the issue in a few weeks or months.
If Your Partner Said Yes…
If your partner is willing to try domestic discipline, that’s awesome! Here’s a few “starting out” tips that we would recommend.
1: Start out slow. We really can’t stress this point enough. Rushing into something like domestic discipline usually ends with some not so great results. Don’t be in a giant hurry to be at the same place with it that a couple who has been practicing it for 10 years is. Just take things slow. Lay the foundation of it first, then slowly begin to add on from there as the weeks, months, and years go by.
2: So, what is the foundation? In our opinion, DD takes 4 foundation cornerstones to work. Honesty, respect, communication and trust. Those need to be present from both parties. It’s going to take all 4 of those for domestic discipline to be implemented properly. There are also things such as consistency that are crucial as well.
Once you’ve perfected those foundation cornerstones, you’re ready to begin building the structure of domestic discipline. (see how this is kind of like building a house?)
3: Creating a rules list is the next thing we would recommend doing. This is going to do one of the most important things, which is setting boundaries. Every couple who practices DD has a different set of rules. Most of the time, their rules can be defined in what is known as “The 4 D’s” which are “nothing dangerous, nothing dishonest, nothing disrespectful and nothing disobedient”. For some, just having “The 4 D’s” as their basic rule list works perfectly. For others, they think the 4 D’s are too vague and general, so they create a more defined rule list. However you choose to do it is up to you and your partner.
Once the rule list is put into place, domestic discipline will flow a lot easier. Over time, you’ll get the hang of it so don’t be discouraged if you don’t see major improvements at first. It takes time (remember, take it slow!) but is so worth it.
Links to read over:
- Beginner Level Spankings
- Getting Started with DD: http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/gettingstarted.html
- Advice For Beginners: christiandomesticdiscipline.com/kalisadvice.html