This post is another massive post. (4400 words, 30 minutes). Find the concrete questions here and jump there by clicking on the link:
- Why am I reading this stuff?
- Why do I like the idea of Loving Domestic Discipline so much?
- Why do I like practicing Loving Domestic Discipline so much?
- How can I get my husband/boyfriend to discipline me?
- What if my husband thinks I am crazy?
- How can I explain this to him? I am too shy and embarrassed!
- What if he laughs at me?
- How can I do this without it turning into Domestic Violence?
- Why do I feel so guilty about wanting this?
- Why do I feel so embarrassed about wanting this?
- Do other women want this too, or am I just a freak?
- Do I want this because I was spanked as a child?
- Do I want this because I wasn’t spanked as a child?
- Do I want this because I didn’t have enough time with my father when I was growing up?
- Will my husband stop respecting me if we start this?
- Am I betraying my feminist principles by wanting to be disciplined?
- What if my husband says he will never, ever spank me for discipline?
- How can I get my HOH to be more consistent with discipline?
- How can I get my HOH to spank me harder?
- How can I get my HOH to bring me to tears?
- How can I get my HOH to give me a stress relief spanking?
- Should I speak to my female friend/s about this?
Q. Why am I reading this stuff? I was never spanked as a child. I never had any desire to be spanked. And yet I am reading this weird Loving Domestic Discipline stuff, even though I think I might be slightly crazy.
A. Obviously there is something that interests you about this lifestyle, even if you are not sure what it is yet. Maybe it is a part of yourself that you have never explored, or a part of yourself that you have always suppressed. Either way, it merits further consideration and exploration, even if you don’t end up taking it to the full conclusion. Opinions often hold you back from further growth as a person, so it is good to put them on hold for a while. Maybe your unconscious realizes that Loving Domestic Discipline would really benefit you, even if consciously you reject it.
A. Because it appeals to the natural, feminine intuition that every woman has. This intuition, if she chooses to listen to it, tells her that she would be happier and more fulfilled if she were disciplined by her husband for her negative and destructive misbehaviors. It tells her that she would be happier if she allowed herself to express that feminine side of herself that wants to be taken care of rather than to have to take care of everyone all the time, that wants to be guided rather than to lead, that wants to gently and sweetly submit rather than to dominate constantly, that seeks fulfillment through discovering and expressing her inner and outer femininity.
Because you are tired of always hurting yourself and the people around you with words and actions that are unproductive and sometimes hurtful. Because you want your man to be the Head of your Household, not a remote and silent business partner in an emotion-free joint venture called Marriage, Inc. Because you want to be held accountable for what you say and do. Because you are tired of getting away with murder. Because you want a more intimate relationship with your man. Because you want to feel his masculine power taking charge of things, and of you.
Because you want your relationship to be filled with love and understanding, rather than bickering followed by stony silence. Because you may have to act and speak like a man all day at work, but you want to at least feel like a woman when you are at home. Because Loving Domestic Discipline is a lifestyle that leads to more love, romance and intimacy than the lifestyle that most couples lead. Because the lifestyle led by most couples usually leads to divorce.
A. Because you are experiencing its benefits and because it works as advertised. That’s not to say it is effortless. But if the couple works on it with patience and love, Loving Domestic Discipline is a lifestyle that brings rewards which are out of all proportion to the effort you put in. And the strange thing is that the rewards are almost the exact opposite of the process. I mean, who would have expected that being spanked to tears over your husband’s lap would bring so much fulfillment? Who would have expected that standing in the corner of the room, with your bare bottom burning and your hands on your head would lead to such a loving reconciliation, and that this reconciliation could lead to so much harmony and intimacy in your relationship? But it does, against all ‘logic’.
How can a woman not like feeling more love, more intimacy, more security, more protection and more fulfilment? These are all good things, which is why you like practicing Loving Domestic Discipline so much. You may not enjoy being spanked, of course, but the love and the connection that follows afterwards is what every woman desires. That is the strange and wonderful contradiction of Loving Domestic Discipline – that something so painful and unpleasant could lead to such sweetness, peacefulness and love. It is said that one of the signs of wisdom is an ability to hold two contradictory thoughts in your head at the same time. Loving Domestic Discipline is one such contradiction, if you have the wisdom and the courage to try it. The rewards are definitely worth the effort, as you have already discovered.
A. There are several answers to this question. The first is also the simplest and the best: “Ask him.” It’s a radical concept, to be sure, but a straight out question can often bring good results. Choosing the right time and place is also important. Alternatively, you may find it easier to speak of erotic spanking first, if that is an idea that you think he will be more comfortable with. Many men are shocked by the idea of disciplining their wives, although they may think nothing of spanking her lightly before lovemaking. Some women encourage their men to spank them as a part of making love. Once your man is accustomed to doing this, it is not such a big and disturbing leap to contemplate spanking you more seriously, outside lovemaking. If you don’t practice erotic spanking and have no desire to, you will need to convince him via an alternative approach.
One approach is via ‘bratting’, which involves behaving badly on purpose until he is so annoyed that, against his normal habits, he throws you over his lap and spanks you into submission. This does work for some couples but is generally a risky business, especially for couples that do not use any form of spanking in their relationship. The more playful your relationship, the more likely this is to work. Couples who maintain a more grownup attitude to each other may need to try a different tactic. You can start a discussion about your respective sexual fantasies – get him to tell you his, then he will have to listen to yours. Even though Loving Domestic Discipline may not have a sexual component for you, talking about something as intimate and personal as sexual fantasies is often a good prelude to discussing spanking for discipline purposes.
Another approach is to write him a letter or an email (don’t use your office email for this!), outlining your feelings and desires, as well as including information you have found on this site and others like it. You might even write him a series of letters, rather than dumping it all on him at once. Each letter can outline various thoughts and beliefs that lead to the next letter. You may start off by writing that you want to be a better wife to him and that you realize you have made some mistakes in your relationship with him. In another letter, you could write about your need for limits and accountability. Then, in a third letter, you could talk honestly about your need to feel that he is in control of your relationship. In a fourth letter, you could mention that you would like to see him demonstrate that control and leadership by disciplining you when he thinks it is necessary for you. You don’t have to do this with four letters – you can do it in two, or three, or seven, or whatever.
An approach that has worked for many women is to begin to behave more submissively towards him. Accept his judgement more often, instead of questioning his every word. Cook for him and serve him food, instead of pointing to the freezer and then the microwave. Listen to what he says, even if you don’t agree with it. Praise him for his strengths, rather than criticizing him for his weaknesses. This kind of behavior will help him feel more validated as a man. He will feel stronger and more responsible. Aside from improving your chances of being disciplined, it will probably also improve his performance at work. When a man feels appreciated for his manly qualities instead of being derided for his faults, he feels more able to exercise his masculine prerogatives. One of these is the right to discipline his wife for misbehavior when it is necessary, for her own good and for the harmony of their relationship.
Patience is a virtue, especially when it comes to persuading the reluctant man to discipline his woman. You must be patient and not rush things too much. Asking your man to spank you for punishment is a lot to ask, considering the kind of risks he will be taking. He has to risk the fact that maybe you are setting him up for a divorce case by getting him to spank you, then reporting him to the police, then taking the kids, the house and all the money when the news of his “domestic violence” is aired in court. You are asking a lot from him, so don’t expect him to just automatically agree to something he may never have contemplated in his wildest dreams. It is like saying to him, “Honey, could you do me a small favour? You know your wife, the woman you love and adore? Could you please treat her like a disobedient child and spank her really hard until she cries? Thanks.” If he says no to such a blunt and bizarre request, you can hardly blame him. You need to plant the seed and nurture it carefully. If you want him to act more like a man, it would help if you acted more like a woman. Making a really blunt request can sometimes work, but doesn’t really help his masculine pride or your own sense of femininity.
If he thinks you are crazy, it is perhaps because you asked him too bluntly. But, if you did ask him via a gentle and gradual process, like the one outlined above, perhaps his own inhibitions on the matter are stronger than you first thought. If his inhibitions are really strong, you are going to need to slowly discover why they are so strong and what their origin is. Maybe he was spanked as a child and has very bad memories of it. Maybe his mother suffered domestic violence when he was a child and he has a horror of anything that resembles that kind of abuse. Maybe he saw other children being spanked and is traumatized by those memories. You may need to explain to him how Loving Domestic Discipline is totally different from domestic violence and spousal abuse, because it occurs with the woman’s blanket consent and at her original instigation. You need to explain to him that its end result is love and reconnection, whereas the end result of domestic violence is physical injury and abuse.
If you have already explained all this to your husband and he still thinks you are crazy, do not despair. If you remain patient and do not allow yourself to become angry with him, you may find that he gradually comes around to the idea over time, as he mulls it over in his head during the days and weeks to come. If you are really asking him to become the Head of Household, you are going to have to relinquish your ego’s desire to control everything, including when and where to start the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. If you force him to spank you, he will feel both guilty and emasculated. If you let him feel as though he has some say in the matter, he will approach the practice with more gusto when he finally comes around to the idea of it.
Try the letter or email idea outlined above. Or alternatively, try writing a story and showing it to him. If you don’t have great story writing skills, find a spanking or domestic discipline story on the web that someone else has written, and show it to him. You don’t even have to hand it to him – maybe you could just leave it on his chair so that he reads it when you are not around, or you could leave it on the computer screen, “by mistake”.
You may have been too blunt, if he laughs at you. The directness of your question may have provoked his own fear, which may make him ridicule you. It is worth noting that there is some humor in Loving Domestic Discipline, even if it feels very serious to you, especially when you are exposing your own desires in such a way. So maybe he is just seeing the funny side of spanking, because there is one. Maybe it conjures up images from slapstick comedies of clowns spanking each other, or something similar. You just have to be patient and let his laughter subside. Then make your case for Loving Domestic Discipline in a gentle and non-whining way.
By agreeing with your HOH that as soon as you say that you don’t want to practice Loving Domestic Discipline any more, that it stops completely. Of course, the main caveat here is that it should only stop if you stop it at a time when you are not faced with the immediate prospect of a discipline. It is no good misbehaving badly and then saying you don’t want to do Loving Domestic Discipline any more, just to get out of a spanking. You can only stop this lifestyle when you are not in a disciplinary situation. The whole agreement is based on mutual consent. If you don’t consent any more, then the agreement is ended.
Because society teaches you that you should feel guilty. It teaches you that you are betraying other women by your desire to receive Loving Domestic Discipline. Because society is not aware of the different between domestic violence and domestic discipline, so it assumes it must all be violence. Because women who do not submit to their HOH feel threatened by a woman who does, so they want to make her feel bad for doing it. Because you wrongly associate Loving Domestic Discipline with kinky sexual practices such as BDSM and you also have the mistaken idea that “nice” girls don’t do kinky things. Your feminine urges will come to the surface even if you try to suppress them. It is better to do less suppressing and more expressing. Don’t let guilt hold you back from expressing your needs. Guilt is not a helpful emotion when it prevents you from doing positive things for yourself. If you take the guilt out of the equation, you will probably find that you have no objections to Loving Domestic Discipline.
Because the actual experience of Loving Domestic Discipline is very humbling. It is very humbling to be scolded like a child. It is very humbling to bare your bottom and be put over your man’s knee. It is very humbling to be spanked like a child until you cry. It is very humbling to be given Corner Time to reflect on your wrongdoing, even though you are an adult. Wanting these things is normal for a woman who wants to be a better person and who wants a more loving relationship with her man. But actually expressing this desire can be very humiliating because you are asking to be humbled, which is unusual, though brave.
Other women do want Loving Domestic Discipline in their lives to varying extents. Read the article on Submission for more info. Also, as mentioned in the FAQ for reluctant men, spanking is the most commonly practiced so-called sexual ‘fetish’, with over half the adult population of the US having done it one or more times. It is a natural expression of the sexual differences between male and female. It is a natural expression of the different sexual energies of men and women. When applied to non-sexual situations like feminine misbehavior and domestic disharmony, Loving Domestic Discipline becomes a powerful and loving tool for personal growth and relationship improvement. Most women want more personal fulfilment. Most women want more love in their relationship. Not every woman wants Loving Domestic Discipline, but you are certainly not alone. Thanks to the Internet, more and more women are discovering that Loving Domestic Discipline is something that they DO want, even if they never knew of its existence before.
A. Some women worry that they might be regressing to their childhood, because they were spanked as a child and now they are interested in Loving Domestic Discipline. This is not a concern, because there are even more women who practice Loving Domestic Discipline but who were NEVER spanked as children. There is no direct link between your childhood and your interest (or lack of interest) in Loving Domestic Discipline.
A. No, because there are women who WERE spanked when they were children who also love to live the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle. Again, your childhood is not directly connected to your desire for Loving Domestic Discipline.
A. This is yet another theory about why women want to be disciplined. Again, there are just as many women who spent plenty of time with their fathers while growing up but who also practice Loving Domestic Discipline, which disproves this theory.
A. No, he will not. In fact, the opposite will usually happen – he will start to respect you more. You will also start to respect him more, too. When you give out more respect, you end up receiving more respect too. Just because he spanks you to tears occasionally does not mean he will respect you less. He will respect you more for being honest to yourself and to him. He will respect you more because he sees you living your true beliefs and needs, rather than suppressing or hiding them. He will respect you because you are honest enough and strong enough to admit that you need his help to overcome your bad habits and attitudes. Don’t forget that Loving Domestic Discipline quickly acts to increase the feeling of love between a man and a woman. This growth in love will also reinforce the mutual respect that the couple shares for each other. So being punished does not mean you will be respected less. Your man will respect you more because you are finally embracing your womanhood and your femininity.
A. No. Many women who practice Loving Domestic Discipline would call themselves feminists, but they feel that one of the freedoms that feminists have won for women is the right to choose their own lives and lifestyles. If a woman chooses to live the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle, then as a free citizen, she should have that right, that freedom.
A. You have a number of choices. Firstly, you could leave him, but that is probably not going to happen over this issue. Also, women who are attracted to Loving Domestic Discipline usually love their men a lot, even if things are not always going well in their relationship. It is their love for their man that can lead them to lifestyles like Loving Domestic Discipline because of the power of Loving Domestic Discipline to improve a relationship. Secondly, you could accept his statement and resign yourself to the fact that he will never discipline you. Thirdly, you could accept his statement as a temporary state of affairs, but patiently wait and make gentle suggestions over time, to encourage him to gradually change his thinking on the matter.
A. You can ask him gently to be more consistent. You can write him a letter or an email asking him to be more consistent. You can write in a Loving Domestic Discipline journal that you would like him to be more consistent. See the article on “Journaling” for more information. You can say to him, “I think it is wrong when a man lets his wife get away with things. I think he should be strict with her, because ultimately it is for her own benefit.” You can THANK him after he DOES discipline you, so that he feels appreciated for his efforts. Remember, it is no easy thing to have to discipline your woman, even if she is misbehaving badly. It is difficult and painful for a man to have to correct his wife. It is also time-consuming. So you should always remember to thank your HOH after a spanking, even if it is a few hours later. You should not just thank him for spanking you, you should also thank him for helping you to grow as a person and to be a happier person. If you just thank him for spanking you, he may start to wonder if he could be replaced by a machine. You should thank him for disciplining you, for correcting and teaching you, and for helping you. The more he feels appreciated after doing something as difficult and traumatic as spanking the woman he loves, the more likely he is to do it the next time it becomes necessary. The more he feels that spanking you actually helps you in some way, the more likely he will discipline you the next time you need help.
A. You can mention to him that you feel it is more beneficial to you when he spanks you harder. You can explain that a harder spanking helps you to feel more cleansed of your feminine misbehavior, that it helps to remove the guilt that you feel for being disobedient or disrespectful or dishonest. You can say that being spanked harder helps you to cry more, which helps you to get the emotional and stress release that a good, hard spanking will bring to the woman. You can say that a harder discipline helps you to learn your lesson much better, so that you can really overcome the misbehavior you are being punished for. If he is afraid of bruising you by spanking you harder, you can tell him that a slow and gentle start to a spanking will help to avoid bruises. After a long, slow buildup, he can spank you as hard as he likes without fear of marking your bottom.
A. You can tell him that it is very important for you to be brought to tears, because it makes the disciplinary process much more effective. You can tell him that you need the stress release that tears will bring you. You can read the article called “Tears” on this site. You can show him that article. You can ask him to spank you more slowly and gently at the start, gradually building up to harder spanks over a longer period. This will enable you to take a much longer discipline with less risk of bruising, which often deters men from delivering harder spankings. A quick, hard spanking is more likely to cause bruises than tears. A long, slow spanking is going to produce more tears and less bruising, if any.
A. Ask him. If you are too shy to ask, consider using either a Maintenance Discipline schedule to ensure you receive a regular spanking, or use Journaling so that you can express your need for a stress relief spanking by writing in your journal, rather than having to ask for it verbally.
A. Not unless you are really, really sure about your female friend/s and their likely reaction. Read this article about a book called Woman’s Inhumanity To Woman” at http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2002/03/29/girls/ (Copy & paste this link into the address bar of a browser window. You may have to watch an ad first. Then paste it into the address bar again & it will finally work!). Some girlfriends will accept you and your practices, while others may ostracize you for them. Remember, you are also exposing your husband when you tell your friends about your Loving Domestic Discipline practice, because he is the one who will go to jail if anyone complains. However, if you are feeling really good about your relationship and you are feeling happy about yourself, people will often notice and comment on this. Most of us, when we see a friend looking happy and successful in themselves, are interested to find out why they are looking so happy, because we all want to feel happier too. Everyone is looking for more happiness and love. If, as a result of Loving Domestic Discipline, you are feeling happier and more in love, people are naturally going to be curious and want to know the secret of your success. When people meet a couple who obviously love and respect each other, they want to know what their magic formula is. If you listen to your intuition, you will know who to tell and when to tell them.
Another way to tell your female friend about Loving Domestic Discipline without actually telling her, is to give her only a part of the story. Tell her that you are ‘submitting’ to your husband, but leave out the discipline part of your relationship. Let her reflect on that for a few days or weeks before telling her anything more. You may want to observe and assess her reaction before telling her more, too.