We’ve discussed a few times in the Submissive Saturday’s series thus far about the importance of being a submissive partner because you truly desire to be, not because outside influences from your HOH, friends, or others in the domestic discipline community say you have to be. As I’ve stated before, the desire to submit to your HOH is something I believe is not learned, but rather a desire and a feeling that a person has.
But, while I think it’s important to begin submission for reasons that you choose, that doesn’t mean your HOH’s thoughts and feelings on submission should be excluded. In fact, often times I think submissive partners focus so much on “how to be a submissive partner?” “am I doing a good job?” “what do I want out of this lifestyle?” etc. that they overlook how their HOH may feel about it. On the same token, I think many HOH’s have never expressed to their submissive partner what it is they want in a submissive partner, how they define submission, etc.
Awhile back I was reading something online about submission in marriages (and I now can’t, for the life of me, remember what site it was on..) and in it it stated to ask your HOH what their definition of a submissive partner is, forewarning me that I “might be surprised”, as many of their readers indicated in the comments that they were. I figured, “my husband and I have been doing DD coming up on seven years, and have been together for longer than that. Nothing surprises me. I know how he thinks.” My assumption was that Clint thought of a submissive wife as someone who takes cares of him and our children (sort of like the old fashioned housewife..I don’t know why that image came to mind, but it did), and someone who obeys, listens and respects what he has to say. That was my guess. But, one day I decided to ask him.
His response was something along the lines of, to him, being a submissive wife was a lot more than just obey and follow the rules. His definition ran deeper into things like set a good example for others, trust in my decisions, support what I say, and several others. These were things that, of course, I knew were important to him but I never really realized that that is how he defined submission. I also asked him what I could do better on to improve with being a submissive wife, and his answers were different (but definitely good!) compared to the list I had made for myself. Needless to say, it was an eye opening experience and conversation.
Obviously this is just my personal example from my marriage, and everyone has a different result. But, for the next week, I encourage you to do the following exercise: ask your HOH the following questions. What is your definition of a submissive partner? In what ways do you feel I can improve upon being a submissive partner? What are some things you need from me when it comes to submission? Then, take the answer to those questions and apply it into your relationship throughout the month of February.
Your HOH’s answers may shock you, or they may not. But, I guarantee you they will get you thinking about what your HOH wants, expects, and needs when it comes to a submissive partner, and those are things that you can take with you and think about in the upcoming days, weeks, and months. This isn’t to say that your opinions about submission shouldn’t matter. In fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I encourage you to write your answers to the above 3 questions down first, then ask your partner their thoughts and compare in what ways you’re similar and what ways you’re different. Then, use that to meet in the middle to truly make submission something that is in line with what he wants, and what you believe.
I’m curious to hear how this goes for you all. If you’d be willing to share your results next week, I’d love to hear them either in the comments, an email, a post on your blog, etc.
Until next week,