Commenter FAQ: How to communicate in a Domestic Discipline Relationship

Almost two weeks ago, we asked you the reader to contribute some questions to be featured on future Frequently Asked Questions articles.  There have already been a number of terrific questions asked on that post, and this post is the first of many to feature questions asked by you, the reader.

How do you recommend punishing for constant lying?

How would you suggest a submissive partner handle a situation where the HoH has done something to break trust like lying?

What should I do if my partner pouts and/or gives the silent treatment after a spanking?

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Let’s get right to the questions!

How do you recommend punishing for constant lying?

The first thing an HoH needs to do in this situation is determine how serious they consider lying to be.  Once that determination is made, then the punishment should be carefully chosen to address the problem.  This question is difficult to address (as are most questions, frankly) since the punishment depends so much on what the HoH feels to be a problem within their relationship.  One HoH may feel a lot differently than another about their partner lying and may handle it completely differently.  With that said, this is how we recommend this situation be handled.

The HoH needs to talk to their partner about why they are lying.  This is the most important part of the whole process of correcting the problem.  Is it because they’re scared of the consequences?  Embarrassed by their own actions?  Are they afraid to disappoint their HoH with whatever they’re lying about?  Something is triggering the lying and whatever it is needs to be identified, very calmly discussed, and addressed in a very delicate way.  The HoH should remain patient and display an element of understanding within this discussion, otherwise things could turn sour very quickly.  As with any discussion/lecture after a mistake and before a punishment, the talk should remain level-headed, reasonable and rational the entire time.

Once the discussion is over, we recommend a punishment be administered.  We typically recommend couples spank for a lying issue since it can lead to a number of more serious problems in the future, but ultimately the punishment is determined by the HoH.  For a constant lying problem, as the original questioned asked, we recommend a rather serious spanking.  A “rather serious spanking” is arbitrary since every couple conducts spankings a little differently.  If you’re currently practicing DD, we’d imagine you have a way of spanking that you would consider being “rather serious.”  We recommend spanking in that manner every time there is a lie told.

We feel another important aspect in correcting this problem is reinforcing the truth.  Whenever the lying partner is truthful about ANYTHING, the HoH needs to acknowledge it and make it clear as to how much they appreciate the truth from their partner.

This isn’t something that is easily fixed with domestic discipline.  This is a character flaw and goes beyond “poor judgment” or “dangerous behavior.”  It may take months to correct something like this, and DD may not be the answer.  Do we recommend spanking for it?  Yes, but it may take personal sessions with a one-on-one psychologist to completely correct this issue.  A constant liar has been positively reinforced so many times throughout their life with their deceitful words/actions that it’s going to take a lot of work, and patience, to get corrected.

How would you suggest a submissive partner handle a situation where the HoH has done something to break trust like lying?

The first thing we recommend a submissive partner do is get to the bottom of why their HoH felt it necessary and appropriate to lie to them.  A very serious discussion needs to take place, and all concerns and expectations need to be covered within it.  As always, the discussion should be taken very seriously and remain at an adult level, with reason, rational, and calmness displayed the entire time.

We know a lot of submissive partners punish for things like this.  They may leave the house and go to a friends or relatives house leaving their HoH behind, or they may withhold intimacy, or go on a big shopping spree to “deal with it”, or they may give the “silent treatment”, or give some other form of punishment to their HoH.  We feel responding in this manner will only push the HoH further away emotionally, and therefore be contrary to everything domestic discipline is all about and is supposed to be.

Where lying is a character flaw and a relationship issue as we touched on in the first question of this post, it may take a lot more than the aspects of domestic discipline to correct.  If this is a persistent problem, then a couple should seek professional help in a more one-on-one type of setting to get the problem addressed long term.  The bottom line is a lying problem is all about communication, and the best thing to do with a lying partner is to talk to them about it.  Let the HoH know how hurtful their lying is to you, and let them know how disappointed you are that they felt the need to lie you – the one person they chose to share their life with.  Some may call this “guilt tripping” your partner which in a way it may be, but we feel it’s appropriate if it’s truthful and spoken from the heart.  In the end, how you handle the situation is up to you, but this is the manner in which we recommend it be handled.

What should I do if my partner pouts and/or gives the silent treatment after a spanking?

If the submissive partner is doing this after a spanking, something either went wrong during the spanking process, or they completely disagree with why they got punished.  Whatever is bothering them needs to be identified and addressed, however given the fact that they’re giving the silent treatment at the time, this discussion should be held once the couple is on speaking terms again.  Hopefully that doesn’t take too long.

In a situation like this, we recommend the HoH very calmly, and with legitimate concern, ask their partner about what may be bothering them.  The submissive partner may or may not open up at that moment, but the HoH should at LEAST show some concern or care about the issue rather than dismiss it.  We’d recommend saying something along the lines of the following:

“I can clearly see something is bothering you sweetheart.  I’m not going to know what that is unless you tell me.  If you don’t want to talk right this moment that’s fine and I understand, but at some point I’d like to get to the bottom of what’s bothering you so I can fix it, and so it doesn’t bother you anymore.  I’m willing to discuss this if you are.”

If there’s no response at that point, then we’d recommend the HoH continue to comfort their partner silently (if they accept the comforting) until they have regained their composure.  It wouldn’t hurt to say something like, “Take all the time you need, honey.  I’m ready to talk about it whenever you are,” at this point, either.  The HoH shouldn’t be forceful about it, or ask dozens of times for their partner to open up – the HoH should simply express concern, express willingness to discuss the problem, and leave it at that.  The submissive partner will talk to the HoH when they’re ready to do so, and the HoH should be understanding of that.  At this point the HoH has done all they can do and where it goes from there is up to their partner.

Once the submissive partner opens up about the problem, the HoH should listen attentively and take all the necessary measures to correct the problem.  It’s unhealthy to the relationship to allow problems to fester, so we definitely recommend couples discuss any and all problems, regardless of how major/minor they may be, with understanding and reason to determine the best course of action for harmony in the home and relationship.

These questions all have an important communication aspect to them, which is why we lumped them together in this post.  Communication is certainly an important aspect of every relationship, and it’s the communication between partners that will help shape and mold how domestic discipline is conducted within the relationship to find what is the most beneficial for the future.

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