We‘ve been taking some of questions from commenters and featuring them in a series of entries known as the Commenter FAQs series, and this post will be the third installment.
My husband and I have kind of begun a DD marriage. The problem is that it seems he wants to do this only a few days a week. How can I get him to be more consistent?
This is an extremely common question. There are a lot of couples who have this problem, and it’s certainly not a good problem to have. It’s not an easy one to fix, either. A submissive partner can’t make their HoH be more consistent – the HoH has to want to be more consistent. In order to be more consistent, the HoH needs to know why consistency is so important to their partner and their relationship, and the HoH needs to understand how their inconsistency makes their partner feel. Once the HoH understands how important consistency is to their partner, and once they understand the negative feelings their partner deals with from lack of consistency, the HoH should have two strong incentives to correct the problem.
If an HoH has no idea this bothers their partner so much, things won’t change. For there to be any kind of improvement on consistency, the submissive partner is going to have to discuss the problem and convey the importance of consistency to their HoH. We’ve written a post on this very thing and we recommend those with this problem read over it. Conveying the importance of consistency to the HoH is the first part of the discussion. The second part is explaining, very articulately, how the HoH’s inconsistency makes the submissive partner feel. In most cases inconsistency makes the submissive partner feel unloved, uncared for, or feel as though the relationship doesn’t mean as much to the HoH as it should. Whatever the submissive partner is feeling about the inconsistency problem in the relationship needs to be expressed, in detail, to the HoH. In our experience, most HoHs make an honest effort to be much more consistent after hearing how terrible it makes their partner feel when they aren’t. All a submissive partner can do in a situation like this is ask their HoH to step up, be a better leader, and be more consistent.
What should I do if my partner pouts and/or gives the silent treatment after a spanking?
If the submissive partner is doing this after a spanking, something either went wrong during the spanking process, or they completely disagree with why they were punished. Whatever is bothering them needs to be identified and addressed, however given the fact that they’re giving the silent treatment at the time, this discussion should be held once the couple is on speaking terms again. Hopefully that doesn’t take too long.
In a situation like this, we recommend the HoH very calmly, and with legitimate concern, ask their partner about what may be bothering them. They may or may not open up at that moment, but the HoH should at LEAST show some concern or care about the issue rather than dismiss it. We’d recommend saying something along the lines of the following:
“I can clearly see something is bothering you sweetheart. I’m not going to know what that is unless you tell me. If you don’t want to talk right this moment that’s fine and I understand, but at some point I’d like to get to the bottom of what’s bothering you so I can fix it, and so it doesn’t bother you anymore. I’m willing to discuss this if you are.”
If there’s no response at that point, then we’d recommend the HoH continue to comfort their partner silently (if they accept the comforting) until they have regained their composure. It wouldn’t hurt to say something like, “Take all the time you need, honey. I’m ready to talk about it whenever you are,” at this point, either. The HoH shouldn’t be forceful about it, or ask dozens of times for their partner to open up – the HoH should simply express concern, express willingness to discuss the problem, and leave it at that. The submissive partner will talk to their HoH when they’re ready to do so, and the HoH should be understanding of that. At this point the HoH has done all they can do and where it goes from there is up to the submissive partner.
Once the submissive partner opens up about the problem, the HoH should listen attentively and take all the necessary measures to correct the problem. It’s unhealthy to the relationship to allow problems to fester, so we definitely recommend couples discuss any and all problems, regardless of how major/minor they may be, with understanding and reason to determine the best course of action to achieve harmony in the home and relationship.
I want to begin DD but my boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. I approached him about the idea and asked him to think about it. Do you think this is something that we can make work even though we’re not together? He is the only person I can trust to do this with.
Unfortunately, we don’t feel domestic discipline will benefit a couple that is consistently going through turbulence in the relationship. Domestic discipline is more for couples who have an established relationship dynamic, and who know they’re committed to one another monogamously long term. Furthermore, we feel a young relationship shouldn’t be built on domestic discipline. We feel relationships should be built on trust. We don’t know how anyone could proceed in a domestic discipline relationship without full trust in their partner. We understand this may be the only person you trust to practice domestic discipline with which is great, but if a couple isn’t together then it simply isn’t going to work. Too many emotions are involved with domestic discipline and we feel it would be unhealthy to try and make this work when two people aren’t committed to one another.
These were more wonderful questions, and we hope the answers are helpful to those going through these type of situations.